poem

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

My favorite poem.
Writer: Unknown

Let the curtain fall

Let the curtain fall
I'll take my bow, Ill leave the stage
I'll say my role has been played
I've sung my song
played my part
I was the fool
You broke my heart
So let the curtain fall
The play is done,
we said our lines to the end
no romeo - no juliet
So let's forget and let the curtain fallllll
The final act
The final scene
turn off the lights
take off your pain, remove your tears,
they're only fake and let the curtain fall
The play is done;
the love has gone
we've said our lines to the end
No Romeo no Juliet
So....let's forget and let the curtain falllll

Music
Takes me away and always has
The addiction is so strong
I can't keep away
To contain the sound to my bedroom and home
I want to do this, but not alone
To be in the places I shouldn't;
with people I shouldn't
but the music its so powerful
I just want to listen and dance and play
The bars, the pubs and the clubs they play all my troubles away
Being in a room where you cannot hear the voices in your head over the loud music
now thats where I wanna be
In a bar, club and pub but I know Iknow that's not good for my soul
I know I can't shut out reality and people and just lurk in the clubs alone with themusic although that's really wher I wanna be
It lets me in, plays sweet melodies, tells me how I am feelings and allows me to be free
I want to be free, to dance sing just me the music being played, that's all I want, no one else will do, for I have been to that place and you cannot be what the music can be to me. I wanna jump deep into your veins and explor them, the music the sounds, the beats,
How wonderful it would be to be free in that.

You and No longer I

You are You; and I am Me
Great together we can be
Although for us, I know we are not meant to be
Your love for the things of this world is greater than that of mine
MY LOVE for love; is greater than that of yours
I am real and very raw, living for that of love and joy & creativity
You are you living for that of the world,
the money, the fame, and your pride for the love of this very game
Worlds so far apart,that no even a love so strong,
can make this wrong so right
So I open my hand and with it my heart, as I let you go, and with you, that world
so false, so untrue
I now fly free, free as a butterfly fresh out of a coccoon,
free to be me, the one I have desired to be, free from the false
confines of this world and the wishes of my at the time blind mind
and you...well you will lay, for another day, striving trying to please the world;
living so far away, so far from the person you were created to be.

Hippie Love

I want to be hippie today. Living on a commune, eating nothing but brown rice and green beans, perhaps even beetroot and cabbage. Strolling along, sleeping in a hammock with my favourite books,listening to Pete Doherty play acoustic (not too sure how ipod's would go down) the live version would be much better. But instead I am in a 17 storey building listening to corporate talk overlooking the harbour bridge. Hmmm

BARE AND BROKEN

I didn't notice opening the door - but the wind is blowing me away, fierce and strong
I didn't see the walls coming down, but I am standing amongst rubble and dust, covered in it all
I didn't notice the roof collapse, but I stand here without shelter, bare and alone
Robbed, completely bare, without a shelter

When did I lose my way? How did you get through the barries I had created? My mind was still, it stood anchored in truth?
Somewhere, somehow, still unknown till now, you came through and knock it all down, the hopelessness, the trust,the faith, it all down
I stand here now, alone....destroyed,lost and broken in need of restoraion'

From destruction comes healing, bareness ready to be clothed in truth and bathed in love, A precious gift given by the father above

BARE, UNBOUND, FREE, I am ready to stand on truth again, this time though, free as ever I stand, no walls, no doors, no barries, no roof, free as I can be. raw and real, feet left bare, thoughts real, heart tender and and open, ready to be me, free of you and your constraints, your platform, built on a foundation of lies and insecurity, self importance and pride, unable to move from the surface to see the depth that lies beneath. Unable to be free, unable to be you. Because of that unable to be me. But no longer will I allow my mind to be bound, by the lies that were told, fed to it, creating something new, something found, something treasured, something restored, all now false and broken

Now, Now it stands here, without all these barriers, unloaded, no constraints, instead grounded, firmly planted in the truth, the truth of love and life, the truth set before us all, by the one and only master of truth itself, the father, son and holy spirit, the glue and foundation of our being, our inner most being.

words

when the words dont come out and you don't know what to say...

I met boy less than a year ago. And it only took me one whole year to fall in love with him, i don't exactly know at what point I feel in love with him, but I did. I realised i was in love with him after a casual drink after work, Icame home and wasunable to sleep, heart beating, euphoric highs, I couldn't understand what was happening to my body. I thought I was ill. It was then that I realised this physical pull was love. He was handsome, adventurous, intelligent, so much fun to be around and could throw sarcastic remarks back as quickly as I could dish them. I wanted to spend all of my time with him. Just thinking about him made my face burst into a smile. He was exciting, and I couldn’t get enough.

But after a year it ended. He said he was in love with me, but couldn't be, he spoke of how he didnt want to leave and walk away but how life had other things going on for him and this us, this now would just be too much. That it would be easier to just walk away, to walk away from the emotion that were engulfing him. The kiss was perfect and we just fitted. I thought about all the things we had done together and all the future plans that would never be.

But as quickly as I had fallen for him, I had bounced back. Three weeks of love meant our relationship was only a glitch in time. But it fit perfectly. I wish to be someone that goes whole-heartedly for what I want, disregarding the consequences. And in this situation, this is exactly what I had done. I had many warnings from friends, telling me I was setting myself up to get hurt. Which I did. But, without that risk, I never would have been able to feel that fire. Three weeks of pure happiness was worth the sadness.

Being a “prisoner of the moment” means that I lead with my wants, and not my rationalities. I go based off instinct, not thinking too far into the future. With boy, I dove in completely and tried to suppress all other thought, the scream telling me to protect myself and back out. I was hurt in the end, but life is too short to care. I can only hope I find this passion again, and that it doesn’t burn out quite so quickly.

-untilikickthebucket

where is she now?

Wants to find that girl again, the one I thought i'd left behind
the one YOU helped me find
the one who is cheerful and happy and witty and fun
the one who last year realised life had just begun
Where is she now? where has she gone? Did you take her with you?
I know she is in there somewhere, beneath the hurt and pain
I know that If I look hard enough,I can find her again
She isn't ready for the world, not if you're not willing to be arent here
Life isn't the same without you near
Surrounded in a world so dark, sitting alone in the park
dreams shattered, hope seems gone,
strenth impossible to find
She must learn again how to climb, how to be, in a world where she can be free?

I LOVE TO HATE YOU

I hate you
I hate you for showing me I can be loved;
I hate you for allowing me to be me;
I hate you because you showed me that being me is the most amazing thing you had ever seen;
I hate you that it now has been and gone
I hate you and this life that I now live, it feels empty alone and sad. My world is filled with pretence and emptiness.
I hate you that you showed me how to be the me that I had forgotten how to be.
I hate that I didnt have to think with you, or talk that I could just be and it was the most amazing place I could BE.
I hate you that you have taken this huge space in my head, soul and heart;

This time

last year
I danced, laughed and sung
It was a new day a new time
dreams had come to life
birthed and alive
no longer far away but now in sight
each day, each moment bright and alive
fresh and new
a dream once brewing had now come to life
I danced, I sung, I laughed
I was becoming new, someone new

now unknown, lost, stranded without a path
That laugh so far away, so foreign so unknown
What once was, no longer is
I stand lost and alone,
stranded, dreams shattered, broken,
every part now blown
into the sea, out in the wild, no longer here
What once was spoken now just remains
as token of what once was but no longer is

MUSIC

she stands lost and broken
alone in a world so dark
masked by your voice in a land so far
what once was close and near now gone

the beat brings me closer
the darkness engulfs, envelopes
it hangs over dawn

the beat is loud, it is clear, it is drumming in my ear
I hear such a sound and through the dark it breaks
rays of light it creates
A better day it makes, the beat alone
makes me feel like i have come home
this is where I long to be
this day is one i would enjoy to see
the music it feeds my soul
makes me feel complete and whole
another dimension it takes me now,

GOD, you're my last chance of the day,
I spend the night n my knees before yu
Put me on your salvation agenda,
take notes on the trouble I'm in,
I've had my fill of toruble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case
Abandoned as already dead
one more body in a stack of corpses
And not so much a gravestone
I am in a bottomless pit
I'm battered and senseless

I call to you GOD;all day I call
I wring my hands, I plead for help
I'm standing my ground god, Shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning
Why do you make yourself scarce
For as long as I remember i've been hurting
I'm bleeding black and blue
Attacked at every side
Abandoned, feeling the only friend is darkness

Your LOVE GOD, is my song, and I'll sing it!
Your love has always been our lives foundation
I'm forever telling everyone how faithful you are,
Faith is the only thing I hold on to, the reason I breathe,
The very reason I believe for a better day
You build the cosmos and everything in it GOD
You are capable of moving through this darkness, through this mess, this unfortune


I believe GOD, I stand on FAITH, it's the only thing holding my soul together
and my feet on solid ground, it is the only solid I have left in my life GOD
I believe GOD ; that enough is enough, that I have suffered long and hard
that it is time for a shift in the universe, one where things start to turn around
and the dreams and plans you have for me turn to light
they start to come to life GOD

Courage

Wishing it was,
Accepting it isn't
Looking back, but slowing stepping forward
Wanting desperately to cling on,
but slowly letting go
wanting and needing, pressing in
but in need of pushing out and away
letting go of what was
and accepting what is

Thank You
for helping me see a better day
for allowing me to laugh like I haven't in a very long time
For showing me its possible to laugh again
for allowing me freedom to be myself
For loving the very rare and precious things about me
For making me laugh - for making me dance to the beat of love again
Thank you for showing me that being me is ok and for me being thevery thing you love about me
I need to walk, I need to learn how to talk how to be again

This was something I had waited, prayed and imagined my whole life and finally here you were standing here right before my very eyes. This was it, it was really happening I had finally fallen in love.

The feeling was so strong that I couldn't be around it anymore. It consumed my every thought and engulfed my entire body. It was good and bad at the same time. The wanting, the desire the longing, but yet the inability to have. Instead of just living with what it was, I ran, I ran so fast and pulled everything around me apart. Now here I stand, life out of hand, shattered, regreting, missing, wanting, needing you and everything that was. I was finally finding out who I was and becoming comfortable in me. Days were a routine, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, engaging all my senses and then there was you. and everything you brought.

You challenged my knowledge, my humour and kept me on my toes. My wit finally had a place it could call home. Finally a place it could be as free as it wanted to be and every day was a full and enlightening day - something I had not previously known. Finally I seen that life can be good and fun at the same time, but I couldn't deal with it, it all become too much, knowing, needing wanting, unable to have...

You told me what I did and didnt want to hear. How dare you. You spoke truth and lies - so honest - so real yet so surreal.

Path

I am enveloped with darkness.
The girl who I once knew I feel is gone.
I feel another part of me has resurfaced - one I haven't encountered before.
I feel like I need a manual, I am lost, deep dark in a forest without a map or a compass.
It's dark, I keep stumbing my foot on the ground beneath me as I can't see what's there, I have no more energy to fight what engulfs me.
I can't stand, I can't walk, my legs feel weak, and it hurts it really hurts, it aches.
I can't see ahead, I keep looking back, perhaps if I go back the way I came
I might see something familiar and it might just work, it might just be the way out of this forest.

My head hurts, my brain aches, my back is sore from constantly twisting to look back. I need to find my way out of it and some how walking ahead doesn't seem to be the answer, instead turning round and going back to where I was before this does. It can't be. But it has to be. I cant see ahead, but back I think I can find a way I can retrace my footsteps and go back there, back to that familiar lit and comfortable place. One where I was ok and everything was finally starting to come together again, but I ran, ran again and ran so long, so far and so fast in search of something more, not contet, not satisfied yet again, in search of something, ran from the pain instead of dealing with it, and now I find myself in an unfamilar place, a path I haven't walked on before, I am alone, its dark and its cold and I am lost. God help me find the way, help me see where to go. I can't even find a way out.

FAITH

Just when you think you have moved on, a new day with its new troubles and blessings, something, someone, something has to pop up and remind you of what was. A mere mention, a mere suggestion, a mere memory is all it takes and here I am shivering again, afraid once again, fearing again, thinking even though its been so long, have you forgotten? have you finally left me alone for good? Please god, don't let it come back, don't let it resurface. The mere mention and I am bawling every drop of water out of my eyes. I begin to think the memories have been erased and I am safe. I am at a new place with a new life, one that is finally mine and free of anything that doesn't belong in it, but suddenly something reminds me that even though I hve forgotten others dont. Do i delete my facebook again? Cut all ties with society? Move overseas, lock myself in my home and never tell or interact with another soul again? I hate even giving you this space,and a place is not what it deserves. I must stand on my faith and believe that GOD is bigger than my situation. I just cannot deal with it anymore. I have no more strength.

Tender Heart

I was walking through LA the other day, feeling quite blue and then i heard these lyrics - they described exactly how I was feeling at the moment.
Not a fan of the song, but the lyrics verbalised what I quite couldn't.

I had a great life going on last year, I was happy really happy but you had to come along and show me that it could be better and now - well now I don't know. I guess i have to pick up the ever so scattered pieces and find out where I was before you walked on in.

JOURNAL COME BACK

Ohh and on top of ALL of that. I have just realised I have lost my journal somewhere between LA and NYC. I am more than a tad bit annoyed right now. So much so that I need more than a xanax tonight. More like ten. No kidding. I love my life (as clearly realised when I came close to losing it tonight) but no really. I hope some kick ass script writer finds it and makes an epic movie out of my life. It would make for a great movies says I. I hope they track me down and pay me my royalties or whatever you call it. Pay me my due credit for enduring it.




No I am not on drugs or drunk or in need of attention (believe you me, I have had plenty of attention in my life span) I like to keep a low profile these days. I am just annoyed and writing helps me deal and remember and want to change. Great. Ta. Goodnight. Dishevelled. That's how I feel dishevelled. Actually whilst on the topic, Lynda AND I went out the other night, upon meeting a random stranger, within the first three seconds she asked if she could tell us what her initial thought of us was. She said Suzi, you my friend are a relative mess but hot (cool thanks), you're friend LYnda here is VERY WELL put together i.e. she has her shit together whilst you're all over the place. hit the nail on the head love. hence wanting to change. lack of punctuation. Great start Suzi.

I am going to vent now. I am replused by my pathetic blonde antics. Can I just say I strongly believe my brain operates on a switch - just like a light. It has a switch to turn it on. It is defaulted to off. It has to manually be activated and is only activates when it wants something bad enough. Like for instance, planning a trip to NYC in two days and doing it successfully and or finding Russell Brand and ending up on set with him in a matter of hours. That is it's on switch. It does what it wants when it wants and gets where it wants only when it wants. But most of the time it sits on neutral or off as you would like to call it. Like today for instance, it didn't care when or how it got home for getting home was not on my list of priorities so therefore I just jumped on a bus without THINKING it just was there or in front of me, so i did it. A bit like the heroin addict who has lost everything who just tried heroin because it was there, they didn't really think about the consequences of having that first shot, it was right in front of me, so I took it, I didn't know i'd end up homeless addicted and broke. No, we don't and that is our problem most of the time. Well mine now.

Ok brain, this is more a mental note than anything else. Today I CHOOOSE TO SWITCH YOU ON. I choose to wake up and think about what I am doing, who I am dating, where I am going and what not. I choose to charge my phone, clean my house, organise my clohtes, brush my hair and check my list.

Today was a disasterous day. After getting lost in the wrong neighbourhood, I got home, got changed, decided to go out (something I have now discovered I no longer want to do - I am hanging up my partying shoes - this post will be for another time) I choose GOD. I choose the path that leads to life, the one away from the wine and the pubs and the clubs. The one that involves being sober and dancing wherever - just not around drunken (pardon the French)klowns - I was going to use some derogatory terms but decided against it as it would be a contradiction. Choosing God means choosing to follow his law i.e. not using profanities like I was about to. See brain is already being switched on. But no really, so ok, I have this disasterous day, end up coming home, throwing on some shoes and going out to meet Lynda, after loosing my map (that I bought a mere hour ago - I mean how do you loooose a map - slightly infuriated with myself now) I get a cab, I spend 45 minutes in a cab getting to where I need to go only to get there and my phone battery dies, so I have no phone to call Lynda and she is not at our meeting point, I am more than frustrated right now, I get there, try and locate a payphone, none are working, I continue to walk the streets, its now an hour and a half since I left my house, and I finally find a payphone, thank god for having her number in my Australian phone (which mind you is not working here - network error) I call Lynda, meet her and then realise I HAVE FORGOTTEN my ID at home. So now its 130am, NO MAP, NO BATTERY, 45 MINUTES IN A TAXI, tired, exhausted, angry, irratated and any other word you can find in the dictionary that speaks NOT HAPPY JAN, I have to get my ass back in a cab and come home. It was a defninig moment in my life as I looked around and thought - do I really want to spend the rest of my life forgetting things? Yes it makes for great stories and quite an adventure but really? Really Suzi, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, forgetting things, being disorganised? No. It was also then that I decided to tell GOD that I choose him over this pathetic lifestyle of pubs and clubs. It was then that I decided to tell him I wanted to live for him, doing whatever that may be, IT WAS then that I decided shopping at Macy's and partying really isn't what I was created for and it was also then that I asked him for the husband, kids and now dog and picked fence and the whole works. It was then and last night when I encountered a drunk Christian trying to tell me how much he loves his girlfriend and how committed to God and church he is whilst getting a bit too close for my liking or shall we say up in my grill that I realised I didn't want to be that person that has one foot in the world and the other in GOD. It was then that I also realised that I didn't want to live life being a contradiction to GOD and myself. I mean I am not even doing anything bad, but for me personally, if I am partying until 3am every Saturday night BE it without alchohol if you like, I am hardly going to be up and ready for Church in the morning am I now. No.

It is now that I ask GOD to help me do the things I need to do, for I know that being a part of this world and not being in it is not going to be easy. I know I have an extreme personality and I have to balance GOD, world, people and yet still live but not like the world. I know it's not going to be easy but I know I need to balance myself and I know I need to start by going to church tomorrow and taking ech day as it comes.

Ok I am going to try and find my map - I feel like I might need it soon and organise myself for tomorrow I am going to the INternational Centre of Photography.

Night y'all.
xxxxS

LOST IN NYC

Ok so I had quite a terryfying experience today (again excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar) I feel like my brain has deteriorated since arriving in NYC. I feel like I have turned into the epitome of blonde. No really. So today, I end up in Century 21 - again buying items I don't but do need i.e. staples. Staples seems to be the excuse for swiping my credit card these days. It's 9pm and I leave Century 21 I feel like it would be good to get on ANY bus that is heading uptown, so I do - M22 comes by and I just jump on - thinking I don't want to catch the Subway with all these shopping bags so I may as well get on a bus (a CAB would have been the smarter - faster and wiser option) but no I think with a bus I get to see more, experience life like a NEWYORKER. So I just jump on this bus that reads East Side because I figure well it will take me to the East and the East is a lot closer to home than The Financial District is. Well umm not quite. The bus takes a strange route, ends up on a highway, then under and over a bridge and suddenly I find myself looking around - looking out the window and suddenly there are less and less people on these streets - the shopfronts have graffiti and I am suddenly in what looks like a residential neighbourhood and not just any residential neighbourhood, there are a lot of apartments around, a lot, and they look a little rundown, suddenly this neighbourhood is starting to remind me of places back home, places, like THE BLOCK in Redfern, place a blonde girl with huge Chloe glasses in a mini dress don't wanna be at 9pm at night. There's a map of NYC carefully placed on the side with a nice blue line going across the middle of it, I am guessing that is the bus line I am on. Ok great, I begin to trace the line with my finger to try and get some understanding of where I am, look out window, what street is this? Oh nice, we are around Chinatown- Chinatwon - shit! I've been here during the day and left quite shaken. I stood and watched two African American women physically fight over counterfeit Gucci bags whilst the children yelled for police and tourists recorded what would be future youtube videos. I.E. no one helped.

Ok great...now Not only am i in an unknown residential area in NYC - I am blonde and have no idea where I am, nor is there a person in sight to help me if anything happens, nor are there any cars and or people. SHIT!! I am screwed I think. Ohh god, dear god, don't let this NICE bus driver let me get off here, no I will tell him " Look at me sir, you can't you just can't let me get off in this neighbourhood, you can't, last stop is approaching, he announces that I WILL BE getting off shorly"

So I get up walk towards him and say - I can't get off here sir, I think I took the wrong bus, this isn't where I meant to go. I am from Australia and just got here, I am not meant to be here.
He responds with "sorry sorry love sorry"
WHATTTTT!! I really cant - aren't you going anywhere else, take me with you, just don't let me get off here' I look around at where I feel like I am going to soon be spending my last day alive, its dark and there are only apartment blocks, rundown old apartmnet blocks, the ones you see in the movies, in those movies where the movie commences with some murder and or shooting, where there aren't any tourists, and suddenly I am here, standing here, where I have seen many movies made and always thought I'd never be...ok deep breath, ok, breath girl breath you're gonnna be ok. Just fine, I DONT FEEL FINE. My heart starts racing and for someone who has been places she didn't need to be and or see, I am scared. Now for me to be scared, it must be scary. I have walked through Redfern late at night and I am pretty sweet with that, but this ain't Redfern. ok now this is something else. Big bucks are made making movies based around these neighbourhoods and what takes place NOT only after dark but in the hours of daylight(no offence to anyone living here - you know I aint like that but seriously - you know me, and me in this place at this time you know that does not work. Right? Tell me I am not hallucinating. Tell me the nice starbucks man didn't lace my coffee with something.

I can't believe I am here, here now, now it's 9.30pm at night sitting here- about to get off and part with safety with my many shopping bags and Chloe glasses - shit Chloe glasses, takes them off, places them in bag (like that's gonna save me - I stand out like Paris would stand out here in the middle of the night). The man next to me sees the concerned look on my face and starts ranting about how he WILL SAVE ME AND KEEP ME SAFE. Who is he exactly? Jesus - the man next to me - the man on the street - the man in your head - who is HE exactly? Well t-h-e-b-u-s-d-r-i-v-e-r..that's excatly how I heard it too don't worry. Now h'es ranting, he's really ranting, he sounds drunk and delussional and I can't figure out whether he is talking to me or himself. I choose to ignore him because my brain is trying to think, think real fast about how on earth I plan on getting OUT OF HERE ALIVE. I look around on the bus and I and these TWO MEN are the only people left on the bus. Now really think of me, on a bus, with two men in the wrong neighbourhood and the bus is about to stop and I have to get off. oHH DUDE, my heart is beating, I am scared, I am trying to think ...... what do I do.. What do I do....get a cab and get the f.. out of here, but there aint no cabs, because cabs proably don't drive in this area, there ain't no - nothing. Ohh I see people ok its a group of people - actually there's groups of people in each of the blocks, sitting out the front of their blocks, gathered around each other - ahh I see bottles of something and cards in their hands - and they're all men. Ohh shit. I am in trouble. DING DONG....the bells ring, the driver looks at me remorsefully and says - YOU GET OFF NOW. but nooo..wait I can't - I can't just get off - I don't know where I am, please nice man look at me, you cant leave me here I will be diced alive, ive seen movies made about this sort of thing. ommmgosh, i am about to be diced alive, this is really happening, i have done some crazy shit in my life even dated some of it but this...no really this...climbing rooftops in heels in the Upper East Side is one thing, walking the streets with a distressed poet in the middle of the night whom I have befriend only ten minutes ago is another thing, yeah scary but fun, but this...no this is NOT SANE.

He says - you get off and wait at this stop - another bus might come soon and take you out. HOney - I think these men will take me out before any bus does - you hear what I am saying. No. He insists I get off. But you - you just can't make me get off. I am in NYC - in a residential neighbourhood, one that doesn't look very friendly and being anywhere without a person without a brown paper bag in their hand in sight at 930pm is scarey, but being in a neighbourhood with what looks like the places i have and only thought i'd see in the movies. Dude. you can't. I am practically begging now, whilst trying to think of what to do and how to save myself and end up alive. This is not how I had imagined it. People warned me about wandering off alone, only last night Lynda told me that there was no way in NYC that I could wander off in the wrong neighbourhood, if you start to see the streets empty out, well then you just turn back its simple. She forgot to warn me about getting on buses. Especially on ones that you don't really know where they are headed. Ohh shit. What to do what to do. Ohh good, I see a highway ahead, I will just walk towards it and hopefully a cab or someone, something safe will pick me up. Oh gosh, i could literally be murdered right now and no one would hear or see a thing.

Bus driver - changes to sign "OUT OF SERVICE" You get off. NOW!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh gooooshhh! This is not happening, this is really not happening. Ok walk towards the highway, yep the highway, think people, think busyness and pray to god the right not wrong person sees you. Oh PRAYING like I haven't prayed since my stalker turned up at work unexpectantly threatening to take me away with him. Praying so hard right now. JESUS PLEASE!!! JESUS I don't see any way of getting out of here alive. PLEASE SAVE ME!

I start walking towards the highway, heart palapatations, thinking of what belongings I have with me, practically everything including my camera and all my memories - ohh gosh. A man that was on the bus with me - not the rambler - the only other man on the bus - approaches me as he can probably hear and see that I know I am in the wrong place and personally I think he does too. He's like. Where do you need to go? I don't know sir, I don't know. I thought this was going East, where am I? He is really lovely. I see a cab. Oh Jesus - you heard again and have bailed me out again...He looks at me and says "Get that cab, get that cab y'all and get on home- yo shouldn't be out here at night yo hear what i'm saying now tell that cab to take you to 42East Street south bound, that should get you out of here and safe enough".

Ok no exaggeration, if he a local is telling me to get out, clearly I am not where I am suppost to be. Jump in cab and give him the instructions the nice man gave me. He locks the doors. OHHHHGOOOOD! What is going to happen to me. Is this european sounding taxi driver going to drive me into the middle of nowhere? No one will know, rummaging through bag, phone ready to call 911, but what will I tell them, I don't evne know where I am. I see that Bridge again, I think it's the Brooklyn Bridge but then again it could be the Williamsberg or the Washington Bridge - Ohh god, I am even more scared now, pretend to call your friend, I pick up the phone and say I am in a cab headed east now. Ok dude, I know where I am - I am not a tourist - i am a local so don't try taking the wrong turn, for all I know he could already be (puts on american accent - should have been an actress - I do this I know where I am going accent to well). Suddenly he notes something down, ok he's not going to kill me if he's recording the trip. I start to relax. I look out the window and feel like I am in an unknown industrial area. HOW THE HECK DID I END UP HERE. Not a person in sight. Now if you know NYC you know its hard to end up out of town without a person in sight, and if you do. You are in trouble.

Ok change of plans I tell him and give him my real address - Excuse me sir, my frined just texted me, We need to go to XXX ST. Great. Good he says. and laughs. Laughs...ohh god. I don't watch scary movies, but this is starting to feel a lot like what a script for one would read - I suddenly notice he looks a little frightening or am I just unsettled now and everything is frightening to me. I am frightened. My glasses, where did I put my glasses.

Ok we are starting to see some buildings, I start looking up at the street signs as I am frantically rammaging for my glasses - why suddenly they are of importance to me is beyond any thoughts right now. I find my glasses - phew I didn't drop them in the neighbourhood. Ok Ok I suddenly see my street - I am home safe and sound and dont ever want to leave my house again. Tourists and the amount of poeple in this city have annoyed me since the minute I got here, now, well now I have never been happier to see so many people. No really. Ahh I am safe, but shocked, but slightly disturbed and IF THERE was ever a time I could happily slap myself it would be now.

Ok so I have landed in New York. I have been here a mere 24 hours and have already spent way more than I would in a week in Sydney but that is ok because this place is amazing. So Customs!!! Attention Customs Officers: I know you are already aware of this, but let me remind you again - people are smuggling in drugs because you are too busy throwing out my belongings. If you weren't so concerned about the three over 100ml items that were in my bag, you mighenev missed the fools brining in illegal substances. Like no really, sunscreen, three deoderatn cans - (why on earth I brought so many to NYC with me is still a puzzle to me also.
Ohh and did I mention LAX took my entire 1L bottle of absolute Vodka. Umm yes. No liquids in the coun...tyr ma-am.What!! are you kidding me? Like no really? Not that I am a drinker, well not really, but one glass of it would have been nice. Cool I hope you people enjoy drinking it. yep totally. better someone does.

The flight was horrific. I hate flying. I couldn't sleep, the medication I took made me feel worse and might I add the dude that sat next to me on the flight has a story to tell his buddies. I kept, taking photos of MYSELF, my journal, my book, playing Bon Jovi music videos and taking pics of the monitor and I (you know like pretending I am in the video posing with Jovi) cool right - yeah he didnt think so. By the end of the flight had managed to move so far away from me he was practically falling over into the aisle.it wasn't funny. I fell on him whilst I tried to go to the bathroom, too. His fault, shouldve gotten up like a gentlemen instead of swinging his legs around the 20cm gap we had to get through!! But nooo...so it wasn't my fault that for some unbeknown to me reason, I happened to be holding a cup of water and spilt it all over him and the annoying idiot in front and I stole his pretzels when he fell asleep. What, I was hungry, and I didn't really want to wake him up so I could go and fetch myself some, so I thought he would rather I take his than waking the prince from his sleep. Also, I was highly annoyed by the want-to-be-cool outdated fat smelly gross want to be / missed the boat artist.Ok I am all for the i dont shower underground poet-artist-dirty grunge scene, but seriously, the pretentious too cool for your own pathetic school, is really not on dude. He continued to move his seat back, constantly disturbing me from my sleep position (on the fold out food tray) and waking me up. Like seriously dude, is it essential to move your effing seat back and forth that many times? Like do you not have any respect for fellow travellers? and then, then, after all that had the nerve, the nerve, the mumble after I pressed my head against the back of his seat as I fell asleep on the tray. I mean you have been pushing your fat back into my space for the entire trip and I want to have a nap and suddenly my light head pressed against the back of your chair is bothering you. Seriously dude, its not on. Loose the wanna be geek glasses, they dont suit you, and put a smile on your face, it works a treat. Not on I say. Not on.Mildly infuriated. Probably as infuriated as the guy sitting next to me was with me.

Now i've spent the last ten minutes looking for our aprtment key, Lynda entrusted me with it, I came home and forgot where I had put it. Story of my life. Put it isn't the correct terminology - gramatically incorrect, placed would be a more appropriate word to use right now. placedc thekey. or rather misplaced. whater too tired. will finish this update tomorrow.l need sleep before I go MAD. XX

I thought you were perfect, but I was misguided, mislead, mistrusted,
your thoughts, your words, your sentences, oh how they sounded so perfect and rang so true, they were everything I had always wanted to hear and mre and suddenly it was real.
Every word ever so read, ever so real, ever so a contradiction to the last,
for you mean what you say and say what you mean but even you dont know what that is..
to be inside your head, is it all clear in there with a map and directions of where to go - are you aware of your game/
or are you struggling, lying to yourself, trhying to figure it out ....
bringing the world in with you, into your little world and game.


A word you spoke
A look you gave
A gentle whisper
A kiss
worlds collided, for a moment, i was yours and you were mine
kisses, caresses, tender and soft
Escaped from reality into a world beyond
above and beyond,


I was yours and you were mine, ohh sweet sweet wine.

My little pedal

She takes my hand and walks me through the forest when I cannot see my way
she lands on my doorstep, uninvited before the break of day
Bringing her laugher and her cheer
AShe holds my hands and lights the way for I cannot see today
She brings her love and laughter and really wants to play
I dont want to ; I dont want to - I say
go away and leave me for another day for today i want to lay and pray
pray for a better day
she listens not, instead jumps and laughs and talks that i cannot be be alight.

Turning

The wheels are turning but your not here
i’m screaming but you can’t hear
Deep into the dark you went
disappeared like the sun at dark
I need you, I want you but I dont
Addiction how can you be so good but yet so bad
My body aches, my brain hurts, I need another hit
I am shaking, spinning, thoughts vivid and wild, churning, motions turning
Stop!!! I need you now, I need that hit,
I need to stop the wheels from turning
I need stillness, so still, so loud, your not near, sounds buzzing,
wide awake, sleep where are you now, I want you, I need you, I really do
Sun sun shine brightly again, stream through all my windows and come the break of day
come through the darkness, burn the noise, through the doors, let me see, that light, let me see that light, that one shinning so bright……

Accept and Love

I am crazy, outrageous, inappropriate and totally disorientated. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, speak 1000 words a minute and trip over all the time. I don't really like to wash my hair that often - say twice a week, I am extremely messy, I can walk over mess and don't really notice it. I am a hoarder, I hoard tons and tons of crap. Loose leaflets, magazines, newspaper articles, like today I kept the mx free paper because I love the colour of Lindsay Lohan's hair in one of the articles, my shelves are piling up with books I have brought but haven't had time to read, which are now spilling into my hallways, mum's garage and my bedroom a mum's place, it's like book haven.I have mountains of shoes and clothes, pens, old boxes, anything and everything. I part with nothing. It's difficult really difficult. Being around me can get a little intense and sometimes you will think I've overdosed on some sort of amphetamine but if you find somewhere in your heart it's worth it or there's something there that you like, then I promise I will stick by you friend and love you till the end.

I love and accept and appreciate each and every single person for who they are and draw out - (well try to) the best of them and would appreciate if you would accept me for who I am. I may embarrass you when I turn up to the door of an exclusive event and when asked who's list I am on - I say the name of the ACTUAL event and then stare blankly at the door boy like - what? I am at the right event - what is your problem? You want my name again? Is there a problem? Thank God for switched on friends stepping in to take over. Or when males walk away from me because I have asked them 190990 questions in the matter of minutes, or even when I do a bozo stare at a random stranger across the room and wonder why he is afraid to turn around for the rest of the evening and look in my direction.

I spill things, drink coffee with a straw and lose things almost all the time. I am clean just messy - some would argue. I miss punctuation marks no matter how hard I try to watch out for them, attention to detail is not my forte, and at times can't be bothered spell checking, not that I can't spell the word or don't know how to, it just takes effort to glide over that keyboard again as I don't know why they wanted have placed the delete button in a not so easy to get to position on the keyboard and you lose your flow - your brain loses it's train of thought and you have to start again -plain annoying so I can't be bothered correcting myself - this may bother you and you may not want to read by blog because of the annoyance it will cause you when there are misspelled words and missing comma's. Just like the above paragraph - no fullstops. How annoying. I am actually annoyed by it.

I have grown up a lot in the past year and am on the verge of becoming an adult (what I am a late bloomer - emotionally)and finally accepting that this is me and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I no longer can. I just lose it and become someone foreign, someone I don't like. I don't like that person, but become it just to gain your acceptance and approval. I no longer care. Just like Kurt Cobain once said - I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And that is going to be my motto from now on. i am sick of pretending, pretending to measure up to your expectations of who I should be. Pretending to be refined and proper. I am not,never will be, and pretending just depresses me and I lose myself, the true self, the one that God looked down upon and said - there I am done. What a creation. This one has a twist. I like it. And if he created it, who am I to argue? I need to engage in that and walk in it and so should you with yourself.

I love people and can spend all day talking to them. Men did scare me, but I think I have overcome that fear now. I am learning to love and accept me, this has been an incredible journey and I think I have finally arrived.

XX Love You All xxx

P.S - I also love Gertrude and Alice, Reading and Writing. I find pouring out my emotions helps me heal. It also helps me clearly see what is going on inside my head. You see when you speak as fast as I do, you miss what you are trying to say, even when speaking to oneself. So therefore I must pour out my emotions and read through them when I haven't had two cups of coffee and am in a clear state of mind. Yep that's it. and like Kurt Cobain said: Read my diary whilst I am alive and get to know me. xx So much Kurt quotation going on here - I am not trying to be all underground and cool namedropping Kurt Cobain now. Not getting all deep and shit. :)
Peace out peeps

Ohh and a special shout out to my dearest friend Victoria who once said - Suzi, just be you. I don't ever want you to be anyone else but you. I love everything about you. The way you drop all your books and trip over all the time, the things you are embarrassed about and try to hide, I love them. Don't ever change, because that won't be you, there is no one that can be you better than you and you do it so well. Please don't ever change Suz!

Victoria- every time I feel like I've fallen short, and think I have nothing to offer the world and that somewhere something went wrong and I failed, or I've said the wrong thing or wish I was more refined, polished,clean whatever, I think of those words and they allow me to love myself again. It's a journey but those words are so powerful and I remember them and think if there is just ONE person in this world who enjoys me for me, then I won't change, if just for the one, it's worth it, because being loved for who you REALLY are - Wow now that's something isn't it. They know you and LOVE YOU, no mask, just you.So V I personally thank you for accepting and loving and not wanting to change me. XXX

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't ever find anyone that makes me smile as much as you do. I am afraid that I won't ever feel as content as I do when I am around you. I am afriad that no one will laugh at my jokes or my differences like you do. I am afraid that no one will look into my eyes the way you did or kiss me the way you did.I am afriad no one will hold me as tight as you did and not want to let me go like you did. I am afraid that I won't be able to share that side of me with anyone like I did with you, I am afraid that I will have to shut you out and along with it every thought and memory of you, for it hurts too much to think of what would have been. I am afraid that if I keep trying to shut them out, that they will permanently go away and it will be too late and we won't ever know. I am afraid that I won't feel a single thing ever again if I continue to pretend it was just a dream. But right now, that after all this, you chose to walk away from it, that hurts to much to acknowledge. To know we could have been perfect together, We fitted, we were right, we were fun together, we were the couple others would look at and think - wow they found it, its real, its alive, we are alive. We gave love hope. It would have made for the perfect fairytale, but somehow it scared you more to know what would have been and then it did me, as easily as you walked in, you turned around and walked out now I am left here, with nothing more than an empty shell. Lifeless and alone.

I met you a year ago, I didnt see myself fall for you, but what I didn't see was you falling for me too. We fell, we fell so hard and fast. As quickly as you walked in, you walked out. I sit here now all alone and just wonder, wonder what would have been had not not been afraid to venture into the unknown and give us a chance. Instead you chose to walk back into what was familiar and comfortable. We shared a very rare and precious connection, one beyond aything i had ever known, one that is so hard to find, one that some spend years searching for, yet we found it when we weren't looking for it. You were content, I was just as fine loving myself and being alone. I didn't ask for this, but when it happened it was unbelieveable. Like something out of a movie. It would one day make a great movie that would capture twilight fans around the world. But you left, you walked away and ran.I will nevr know why you didn't stay but perhaps time was not on our side, or perpahs I am praying for a lollypop when god has a whole chocolate factory in store for me and that is why he is saying just wait, jsut wait, the best is yet to come.

New York - I heart you

So what happened, I quit my job, got fired, quit my second job, fell in and out of love - all in the matter of weeks. Well not quite the love part took quite some time to form, to be honest, just like in the movies, I didn't even know it was there until it was too late to walk away and a minor crush had already formed into a full blazing fire. but it all came together overnight and fell apart the next day - not like that, but like that. All within two weeks. WOW, now that is some major deconstruction of my life right there. Ohh and did I mention I hit into a car whilst driving on some form of prescribed medication. I should read the packaging more often, but figuring I had been on that potent stuff for years, I thought myself quite capable of driving. Little did one realise that I had always commuted by public transport when in that sedated state and completely forgot what it was like to drive on it. Well i woke up pretty quick when I slammed into the back of a golf. Thank god for my monster of a family car mum was kind enough to lend me after I crashed my wait.....counting...fourth car last year. Kind of gave up on buying a car after that, my car was not damaged. I quickly or not so quickly realised that the road, cars and I just dont mix in a healthy way. We destruct we are not healthy for one another. Whatever..I dont even know anymore.

So where to from here, I am booking a flight to New York,I have no accommodation, but am praying to my amazing GOD that he will help me pull something together at the last minute otherwise I will know what it feels like to be homeless and sleeping in Times Square. Life is just an experience isnt it; Spontaneiouty doesn't come very often and when it does, you just take it and roll with it, not knowing where you will end up.

To be honest, I am terrified of flying, so thank god for the overly generous doctor who gave me my medication that is going to calm my nerves and hopefully by the time I wake up I will be in LA or New York or somewhere on safe ground.

So now that I know what it's like to fall in love with a human and have my heart shattered into a billion pieces, someting I had held in protective gear for years, I just let go, just like that.To have my twilight moment and then have it taken from underneath me, actually not really underneath probably right before me. ahh well.
I am ready to experience the love of a city - New York. Where amazing things can happen. I am ready to encounter above and beyond. Art-Culture-Music-Broadway-Interesting Characters. I want to talk to everyone and anyone. I want to take home a piece of everything. I want my hear to reach beyond its limits, I want it to expand, I want it to breathe, eat and live. I want it most of all to love. To love creation and life. To understand creation ( I think after having my heart broken - I finally understand all those crying girls that I told - shut the heck up, get over it, its just a boy) ohh darling, is it just. A shout out sorry to all those girls. I now know and dammmmit - it hurts.

I wish I did have someone to share this experience with - why am I ALWAYS travelling ALONE - 5 years ago sitting in Cinque Terre overlooking the gorgeous water, I thought the same thought. Hopefully one day that won't be the case, but hopefully I will take many memories of the people I meet back with me.

Alloha for now. much love peeps. Peace outxx

Scared

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't ever find anyone that makes me smile as much as you do. I am afraid that I won't ever feel as content as I do when I am around you. I am afriad that no one will laugh at my jokes or my differences like you do. I am afraid that no one will look into my eyes the way you did or kiss me the way you did.I am afriad no one will hold me as tight as you did and not want to let me go like you do. I am afraid that I have shut you out and along with it every thought and memory of you, for it hurts too much to think of what would have been. I am afraid that if I keep trying to shut them out, that they will permanently go away and it will be too late and we won;t ever know. I am afraid that I won't feel a single thing ever again if I keep on riding this emotionless bus.

I am afraid that like the past ten years, I will go back and shut out all my emotions and I will recline to that place of safety. That without even being aware of it, I will shut out people and love and wonder why it passed me by, when the whole time I was unaware of its presence. I opened up, I gave love a chance and it almost emotionally killed me. It left me, walked away and didn't look back.

I am afriad- afraid that I will no longer be drawn to humans and my door will remain shut. This past year, I have experienced an emotion greater than I had not seen or felt before. For days on end, I rode this wave and didn't want it to crash, it crashed and I sat there, alone, with my music, telling myself it would be o.k.

The emotion was love, it was you. Just like that you walked through the door, broke it down and sudeenly you were here in my arms. I had dreamt of this moment, never really thinking it would arrive, that forever it would be an emotion only I felt and wouldn't leave the barriers of my mind, but the other day, you told me I wasn't crazy and that you felt it too. And suddenly you were right here with me, holding me, telling me that this moment felt so right and you wanted it to last forever, i felt that too, but I was too afraid to say it. So instead I sat here with my blanket wrapped around my heart, protecting it, for I knew you would soon be gone and I would be alone again. I am really scared right now, that I no longer feel for you the way I did yesterday and am sad that these beautiful emotions have left me. Where did they go? Were they burnt to ashes? Was the fire so consuming that they could not out live it? They have vanished and I CAN'T find them. i want them back even just for a second, but somehow I have told myself lies about you to try and forget you, because I know I can't keep you and somewhere along the lines, I have believed them and my heart has shifted. I am closed again. Oh God, don't let that happen, allow me to feel again please.

Karl Lagerfeld - Remember Now

I haven't quite figured out yet what it is about this impeccable human being that draws me to him, but something certainly does and I cannot seem to find words at this very moment to describe it.

Enigmatic perhaps would suffice for now.

Wisdom....

"I know that universal wisdom exits, but you never know who its going to come to you from, everyone has something important to say... if you just listen" - Aristotle Onassis

So many times in life, we feel that we can learn something from the big guns in this world, and at times we can, but we must have our eyes and ears open all the time for anyone and everyone can offer us a slice of wisdom. The shoe polisher who spends his entire life out in the street knows more about life than any one of us who are huddled up in our polished lives and perfect homes. He watches and observes more lives in one day than most of us will see in a life time. If we were to just stop and notice and ask, we may learn a thing or two about life.

Aristotle Onassis was a Greek shipping magnate,he listened and observed, asked questions and paid attention and that my friend is how he turned from an immigrant with $60 in his pocket to a self-made millionaire.

Oreo

Oreo, Oreo,

Tantalizing, breathtaking Oreo.

Watching you sit in your pretty little package is making me hungry, so hungry its painful. My stomach feels a deep longing and emptiness each time I see your perfect little biscuit coating. I never knew "love / pain" like this before........Each day as I look over at you, I realise that you are BAD for me and I must keep away from you. You will make me gain weight that I really really don't need at the moment and that i don't have the emotional strength to carry.

I think its fine, then I see that package sitting on the shelf and hear it speak and think.....Why must you sit visibly on my shelf? why cant you be hidden in another place? why must I look at it daily? that makes it harder to fight, that brings back all the emotion, hurt, pain and memories that come with this Eating Disorder I have ........developed............oh how I wish I could indulge in you and connect with you on a deeper level. I look away and think of the REAL beauty around me and how much more that is worth than some indulgent fantasy. and then back it goes, back to my thoughts i start to think how divine things could be if only I could relax and eat and not worry about the future or how I will feel tomorrow...but I cannot and will not, and until your expiry date is up, I have to sit here and watch and listen and hear and not indulge......and watch as everyone else indulges in that soft centre, only found once you get past the hard exterior of thick, dark, chocolate...oh how at times I wish.....it was easier to turn away and pretend it wasn't there. To not freeze and listen and watch it all day long, to not feel a longing or desire or attachment to it....oh how I wish it would just go away and leave me alone!!

I think I am doing just fine, refusing it, not eating it and then suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I get a glimpse of it, or suddenly hear it call my name, and all my inhibitions go flying out the window, my no's turn to yes's and suddenly before I know I am back there again, looking at the pretty package, holding it, wanting to open it again and devour the entire lot, BUT i know I can't. I know I can only look, listen and not touch or engage with it, because the minute I do, I will want it all and not want to give it back. Sweet Sweet food, why do you have to look and sound so tempting, why couldn't chocolate cake be un-enticing? Why is it that some people are lucky enough to take home the entire package? and freely indulge and not even realise how lucky they are to be eating this amazing food, they don't even see how amazing it is...not even taking their time to properly examine what they're eating, but rather taking it for granted, shoving it in their bag, and throwing it around like nothing....and others well? They just stare and wonder
and think what if? What if I could? .. I wonder.....

is it because there is an organic cake I can eat, somewhere, being prepared by the most amazing chef in the whole wide world, its just in the process of being made, because the most amazing things always take the longest to make. The baker must take fine care with it, it cannot be rushed or artificial, but made with the finest ingredients found on this earth and beyond, this my friend, takes time of searching and once found preparing the ingredients so delicately, that they will come out just right, this is why when the chef sees our daily lives, structures and minds change, tweaks this recipe each time and this my friend is why we wait.....because the finest, hand-made organic cake, is being prepared just for us, ONE made to order and it is yet to come!!

love just is....

Sales - Addiction - Weakness --

So Cohen Et Sabine - oh how I LOVE YOU Cohen Et Sabine, one of my top two AUSTRALIAN designers of all time.

They are having a sale today and I am NOT attending due to my excessive spending of late. So here I am, sitting at my desk, in my office, literally twitching like an addict who hasn't had their daily dose of heroin, NOT that this compares, but I am sure it would feel somewhat emotionally like this. Cohen is no doubt one of my favourite designers, their femine, sexy yet still edgy designs make my heart flutter. They make me feel like a rebelled princess .....so elegant, so simple, understated yet with a twist.

Oh Cohen, how I wish we could meet today and I could take some of you home with me, but unfortunately I have been spending more than I have been earning of late and therefore this time around, I will have to give you a miss. But...not without feeling it! Oh how I hope there is nothing at this sale that appeals, but I know you much better than that and know you will have something divine to offer me and won't let me leave without. Avoidance is best in this case. For now...let's indulge in some of their past collections, that I adore to bits and wear to shreads!!

ToSmile......

Oh Heart....

I once read the only way to get over a romance is to pour it out, I believe I have just done that and by doing that have dedicated a HUGE portion of my blog to this thing called LOVE.....such a beautiful emotion, i think more should be dedicated to it....but now now I am excited for the journey ahead. I am excited to be single, .....Not that I was not before, but somehow emotionally I have been attached to something not worth attaching myself to, I now let go of that and look forward to spending time with myself and hanging out with me. All grown up and all now that I have finally lent out my little heart and had it shattered. I somehow feel like I have grown from this experience and wonder why I even held back lending my heart all these years.

Wish I had done it earlier, but that's ok, because now that I have experienced this little test run, baby I am more than ready for the real thing.

Letters of Love....

Now i sit here alone and your not here, those words you spoke,the laughs you gave; the emotional space dedicated to you. I went out often in the hope that I would see you and that something might ignite. That somehow you would finally see what I see, that you could finally feel as drawn to me as I did you. I was fooling myself, i was convincing myself, sitting here hoping that you would walk through the door and tell me you were madly in love with me, that you couldnt live without me, that i was like no one you had ever met before.

I CAN write pages and pages about this "thing" that took, place .. or did it. i wont deny what i felt and what you made me feel. Even if it wasnt reciprocated. There was certinaly something special about you and you certainly devoted a huge amount of time to me. You listened to my stories, all of them, you even laughed and made me feel somewhat special, unique even. you laughed at me and me at you. We joked and made fun of each other. We laughed and I cant remeber the last time I carelessly laughed like that. Finally i was sleeping peacefully at night. I wasnt waking up nor worrying about anything. Life had begun, Love has taken place, this is what the buzz was about, this is what people were taking about and oh how physically real it felt.

Life seemed pretty sweet for the first time in a long time. I didnt mind waking up ..i couldn't wait to drink my coffee and continue on my eurphoric high. why did you come along and what purpose did you have? now here i am sitting in this mess, still holding on, still hoping, although that hope gets smaller and smaller each and everyday. I know your and me will never be, and that is o.k. i guess i just want to know..did you feel anything? was it mutual or was it just me? why did you unlock what no one else could, and will i feel like this about another man ever? My heart aches when i hear your name, i almost felt like your name was imprinted on it. Oh how it wouldve made for the perfect fairytale, but perhaps in anther time, another place, another scene. Not thisone, not now.

HIGHS

This feeling is nothing like I had imagined it to be. I always imagined it to be great, but this, this, is ....on another level...

Why I thought euphoric highs were only caused by pink little pills or copious amounts of alcohol why even other chemicals....... I did not think it possible to feel something within your heart when speaking or communicating, engaging with another human being on an emotional level.

For I thought my heart was unbreakable, I always thought i was incapable of falling in love, i dreamt about it, watched movies made about, seen couples take their vows, heck even seen men cause physical violence over it, yet I had not imagined why anyone would want to fight over love, for weren't there many fish out in the sea? what was it about this thing called "love" that caused us to act a way, we never normally would, do to and say things we never normally would, what is defined as normal anyway? mediocre everyday feelings...highs and lows, stability......

It wasn't until i had fallen and that my every bone/emotion in my body felt like it had overdosed on some sort of happy pill that i realised I had fallen in love. so this is what love felt like, when you don't want to sleep, because being awake is so amazing, when you hear a song and it sends a huge shiver down your spine, along with a flutter in your heart, when you light up more than any amount of alcohol can light you up..wow the power of love huh..now I know why songs are made about it, its quite a strong emotion and as I've of late discovered no amount of sedatives can sedate. No amount of coffee or alchohol can numb. If anything it only makes it STRONGER. Wow. the power of this little thing called LOVE, as i've discoveed, not so little after all.

I admit, admitting to myself after years of hearing about it, i had finally fallen, right before my very eyes, i had fallen. How I couldn't believe it that even someone like me could fall. Suddenly i cared for nothing else, but a whisper, a word, a smile a call from this particular person. For no human being i had encountered could ever pick me up, with just a few words. It was like with every word you were injecting amphetamines into my body.

Feeling

It feels like a lifetime ago now when you first walked into my life, part of me wants those days back, those days when nothing mattered but you, nothing but me, when days were bright and long and nights were enchanting. When I went to bed and slept peacefully for I knew the dawn would come and you would be there. You walked into my life holding that golden key, that one that I had spent years searching for and eventually gave up, thinking that my heart would simply remain as it was.......... unlocked/bound/blocked.

I didn't know what love was, forever i had watched many movies and wondered what it would feel like to be that girl in the movie, to be the one in love. Was love an emotion? Did you feel it? Was it something that you felt in your stomach, your brain, your chest? I didn't understand it, that was until.....you came along. Your laugh, your smile, your eyes, the way they spoke a thousand words, was it real? were you even real? I look back now and think for it was just a dream for something like this at arms length seems to surreal? really was it real? are you even real?

You came equipped with that key, you unlocked that part to me that i had managed oh so successfully to keep hidden for years, that part of me that I wasn't about to reveal to anyone, somehow you came along and opened that door that held my heart in one...i STARTED to feel again, to love people, to love myself, to believe in myself.I felt alive, like anything was possible, like finally even i was having my moment, my chance at life. For i did not plan nor imagine this moment, for it just happened right before my eyes, before i could do anything to stop it, as quickly as you walked in, you walked out and here i stand ..looking around, trying to find the pieces, my heart is no longer locked away, instead its scattered all over the place, i am trying desperately to find the pieces so i can put it back together again, moments of searching and collecting pieces,only for you to say hello and i drop them again, they fall out of my hands and under my feet, how did i drop them, it wasn't meant to happen, again the collection starts, vicious cycle...i need to collect them and hold them close...i need to not let them drop each time you walk through the door.

My interests have slowly deterred, i don't want to go out, i want to stay under the covers all day long, but that too hurts, drinking coffee is no longer fun, food doesn't taste the same, my nights drag on and don't seem to end, although i must be brave, that too seems like too much, sometimes i wonder would it have been better to not have seen, that to have felt and dropped and broken?

I spent the last month crying over a boy I barely knew. Well actually thats a lie, I knew him quite well but obviously not well enough. ANyhow, day after day, I dreamt about how perfect he was and how much he made me laugh. Moments with him seemed like I was in a different world, a different being and even living a different life. I for the first time understood when gilrs would say "ohh gushhhhh he makes me so happy" For years I never understood that, because I truly believed NO ONE can make you happy but yourself. But suddenly something as little as a hellow from this individual would put more than a smile on my face. It was like a euphoric drug. Spending time with this individual was like nothing else, i had not planned nor imagined this, it was pure bliss. I couldnt wait until the next text message or the next email would come through, or the next time I would see him, thoughts of him would help me get out of bed on a cold winters morning if I knew an enciounter with him was on the agenda, everything about him would immediatley brighen my mood and my ENTIRE day. He and life with him in it was just perfect. I didnt need sleep, suddenly i felt like a manic, I couldnt understand the feeling, but I knew this human was responsible for it... This was LOVE it had to be. For we made the perfect couple, we just fitted, my days suddenly seemed so much more eventful and exciting. I looked forward to getting out of bed...

That was until .... well until it all came crashing down or more so reality hit me like a ton of bricks would hit a human being and I realised I had concocted this fantasy in my own head. The thing with us women is, we love the idea of being in love. We find someone, they tick all the boxes (or so the superficial ones), we get along with them like a house on fire and suddenly start planning our future together. We totally bypass the fact that he just said he hates animals (oh thats fine, I always wanted a dog) but spending time with you is more important so no dog, fine I can deal with that. Ohh I always wanted to live in the city, but no he wants to raise a family in the country and suddenly so do I. CLICK! There goes my dream of the beautiful terrace home in the city I had envisioned. We tell ourselves we are sacrificing for the sake of love, because its very RARE for someone as great as this to come along. They never come along and finally after all these years someone comes along who can put a smile on my face and keep it there all day, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. Even sacrifice MY DREAMS. Anyhow, so a month ago I found out this individual has moved on with someone else, oh how it broke my heart and how I felt my life would not be a blissful or entertaining ever again. For he was the one. The only one that understood me, the only one that could make me happy, life was so much better with him in it......WAS IT really? Or was I just adjusting some minor switches to fall sync with his understanding of the world? Was I really not compromising my beliefs, goals and values by seeing my future with this man? Could I really fulfill the calling of god on my life if I was with him? Ohh of course I could, so I told myself. The truth is........Love does conquer all, I mean the greatest commandment and the second greatest are about LOVE.....but sometimes it has to be more than just an emotion. It has to go beyond that and we really need to take a step back and think about this LOGICALLY...or even ask god for guidance. Becasue sometimes the power of the emotion of love is so strong, we are willing to die, lie and kill for it.

It was very hard to let it go, even harder to acknowledge that I might have even bent the truth in my own mind and convinced myself he was perfect. But the truth is ....everytime I went to do something that I knew was not in line with this particular individuals thinking or view of life, I would think about his thoughts on it? What would he think about me doing this? How would I be judged by him? Would I measure up to his expectations? Am i being who he would want me to be?

Is this how love really works? That when you are in love you fear being judged by the one that is suppost to love and accpet you just the way you are. Admittedly I was myself (behaviorual wise) around him, but then when it came to some of my social circles, and odd habbits as completely innocent as they were, I didnt feel completely safe, I kept wondering oh and how would he feel about this, I know he wouldnt like it? Now is that really love? Really?? That we must think before we do for fear that we will be judged? Or disapproved of? Even though what we are doing or being is completely innocent. Oh what would he think of my family? (talk them up, cover their flaws, for we are perfect, just the way you want them to be dear)......

As much as every other area of my life would suit him/us or our relationship just fine, there was a part of me that held back on certain things......but i was too blinded by the euphoric high that I turned a blind eye to this. I could be who he wanted because he made me laugh, he understood me, he just didnt understand the god chapter, and really couldnt engage in deep conversation about it, Oh that's fine I told myself, for there are christians for that area of my life. We seem to cover everything when we think we are in love dont we.....We seem to have an answer for every flaw in this relationship and wear our love coloured glasses. We see him through a different light. Thank the lord he moved on, beause if he had not, perhaps I would have conformed and compromised. Perhaps I would have changed those unique things and lost a part of me that is so precious, perhaps I would have erased my past, my little quirks, well I wouldve given up on them of course, for now I had to act a certain way for this man was of a certain socail standing, I would have tried to be someone else in order to constantly keep this individual entertained, amused, in line with his way of life.....this is not who I am...but I love him and ITS OK...SO i continued to LIE to myself. I decided to to to church and let it go last night, leave it, drop it...and just move on from it! Stop idealising the what-would-have!!

So in conclusion I went home last night and felt a sense of relief. I looked around my shoebox arpartment and was rather pleased of it. I was rather pleased with my blutacked photos on my wall THAT MADE me up my life, and the musty curtain that was hanging up. I was pleased that I was myself and no one else. I felt a LOVE for myself like never before. I looked in the mirror and said "looks like its just you and I for now Kid" and you know what I said...my gosh, Suzi your such a unique and interesting character and I truly love you, You my dear bring so much joy to my life and you dont have to worry at any point what anyone is thinking of you, because you love and accept yourself just the way you are. And oh gosh, the relief of not having to be perfect and/or worry about another human beings thoughts, the love that rushed through me, the confidence that I WAS going to be just fine and that life was worth living and that I DID NOT need anyone to make me happy but that I indeed was MY OWN BESTFRIEND. My bestfried would come to coffee with me at the drop of a hat, she loves the same food as I do, will sit in Alice and Gertrude with me all day whilst I annoyingly pick up and put down every book on the shelf, she accompanies me wherever I want to go, she buys me my favourite gifts, she even comes op-shopping with me and patiently waits for me, she laughs at me when I fall over or whenever i say a stupid thing that makes no sense, She lets me pick the movie to watch that night and the event we shall go to that evening, even agrees to whom we have dinner with, everything is my choice and she is always there....no such compromise is made...she is me and I am her..."The best relationship you can have is one with YOURSELF"

I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want to be, create my future without the pressure or input of another human being, JUST GOD AND I. and ohh how great that felt. To be in control again. To not be crying and weeping about how happy SOMEONE ELSE made me, but rather congratulate myself on the great job I was doing with being my own entertainment. I could spend all day Sunday in bed reading a book if I wanted to. I could go overseas, sit in the park all night, meet new people, go out on dates, get to know the randoms of the world, all without limitation. Ohh life is good. But I must add, none of this would have been possible without the power of god. Knowing there is something beyond me, that is my backbone, that spiritual help is such a blessing. We are nothing without christ. I find it hard to believe in myself if I dont believe in him first. Through him I know I am relying on something greater than I and ALL things are NOW possible.AMEN!

The Fairytale....as it is

We sat side by side in class, the day I met you and was placed in your lodge group, i decided that I would make an effort to be nice., You see my past with men has not always been one of love and comfort, to be completely honest, i couldnt stand the male species. Coming out of a broken relationship, I had decided the pain after it, was not worth the euphoria I endured throughout the short time in romantc bliss and was not going to allow another man in close enough to be able to cause me that kind of pain again. So I simply decided to not go past hello with the male species. The wall was tall, and nothing could break it down...that was nothing except god.....

Ohhh if only I had known I would fall so fast, if only i could see this, i am not so sure I wouldve stepped into it. It started by simply discussing assignments, you adding in a joke here and there, and one that I totally understood. It was like suddenly someone who seen the world through the same lens as me. Who understood the world a lot like me, who had walked a similar path to me, and yet who could make me laugh at the drop of a coin. Oh how, I didnt realise, that day after day I would go to school and suddenly look forward to it. Suddenly I didnt dread group assignments, but rather looked forward to them, I looked forward to us sitting there whilst we pretended to work on our assignment and joked about how annoying the teacher was. ignring the rest of the group, it was like we were in our own little world and didnt care what they saw or thought about us laughing all day. You told stories that had me in bowled over in laughter, and use any excuse to talk to you, at the time it sure didnt occur to me, the reasoning behind it. The way you would laugh at the silly things I said, the way you would walk over and really care about what it was that I had just mumbled and walked away, you wanted to know what i had said, it mattered, you wanted to know what I was thinking and why. You remembered things I had said in the past, remembered what my plans were that day, took notice of things others had not.

Our graduation, we went out, we had some wine, we laughed we talked, we completely forgot there were other people in the room, the night was just perfect. We discussed life, our views, our beliefs and made complete fun of ourselves. I couldn't remember the last time I had so much fun and sat alone with a male for such a long time. It was euphoric...again that euphoria. The night ended perfectly and we both went home, nothing romantically or physcially taking place. I woke up the next day, feeling like i had taken some sort of drugs, how was it that I felt so high? What was this feeling? It was no longer a fairytale being concocted in my head, but a physical response my body was having to whatever it was that was emotinally going on. I googled.....feeling of love and got, euphoric state, person respondsa little lik they are on amphetimines.....there was my answer...i had fallen in love. in fairytle love, something that didnt happen with a checklist, something that didnt happen with a dinner date and me assessing every quality this person did or did not possess, but by me being me without expectations of acception, WITHOUT limitation and pretense. Me accepting him without thinking about his flaws nor what kind of husband he would make, because quite honestly, that never crossed my mind, to me he was just a friend and a human being and I was getting to know him as an individual...and at the same time, someone come along, who liked that me for me...and him being him, somehow these two personalities clicked due to their natural state........Oh how divine it was...that I had finally fallen in love and suddenly the world looked differently and i looked forward to getting out of bed even more each day, knowing a text from you or a word from you would definitely have me laughing on my way to school....I expected it, but someone beat me to it and now you love and belong to them.....and I wait..being myself hoping mr right will come along and you were just a prerequisite.

was the pain worth the fall? Yes, becauase I learnt an important lesson. Always be yourself, and have no expectations of other people, that way when you find that you two have the most amazing, utter fun together, the fact that he only has four fingers instead of five doesnt matter. Becauswe you love him for how he makes you feel, not for how many gucci bags he can buy you. When you sittng at home with all your handbags and feel empty inside because the one you love is a supplier of money not love, life isnt what it should be....until next time. A thought.Be yourself, and be open to everyone.