I spent the last month crying over a boy I barely knew. Well actually thats a lie, I knew him quite well but obviously not well enough. ANyhow, day after day, I dreamt about how perfect he was and how much he made me laugh. Moments with him seemed like I was in a different world, a different being and even living a different life. I for the first time understood when gilrs would say "ohh gushhhhh he makes me so happy" For years I never understood that, because I truly believed NO ONE can make you happy but yourself. But suddenly something as little as a hellow from this individual would put more than a smile on my face. It was like a euphoric drug. Spending time with this individual was like nothing else, i had not planned nor imagined this, it was pure bliss. I couldnt wait until the next text message or the next email would come through, or the next time I would see him, thoughts of him would help me get out of bed on a cold winters morning if I knew an enciounter with him was on the agenda, everything about him would immediatley brighen my mood and my ENTIRE day. He and life with him in it was just perfect. I didnt need sleep, suddenly i felt like a manic, I couldnt understand the feeling, but I knew this human was responsible for it... This was LOVE it had to be. For we made the perfect couple, we just fitted, my days suddenly seemed so much more eventful and exciting. I looked forward to getting out of bed...

That was until .... well until it all came crashing down or more so reality hit me like a ton of bricks would hit a human being and I realised I had concocted this fantasy in my own head. The thing with us women is, we love the idea of being in love. We find someone, they tick all the boxes (or so the superficial ones), we get along with them like a house on fire and suddenly start planning our future together. We totally bypass the fact that he just said he hates animals (oh thats fine, I always wanted a dog) but spending time with you is more important so no dog, fine I can deal with that. Ohh I always wanted to live in the city, but no he wants to raise a family in the country and suddenly so do I. CLICK! There goes my dream of the beautiful terrace home in the city I had envisioned. We tell ourselves we are sacrificing for the sake of love, because its very RARE for someone as great as this to come along. They never come along and finally after all these years someone comes along who can put a smile on my face and keep it there all day, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. Even sacrifice MY DREAMS. Anyhow, so a month ago I found out this individual has moved on with someone else, oh how it broke my heart and how I felt my life would not be a blissful or entertaining ever again. For he was the one. The only one that understood me, the only one that could make me happy, life was so much better with him in it......WAS IT really? Or was I just adjusting some minor switches to fall sync with his understanding of the world? Was I really not compromising my beliefs, goals and values by seeing my future with this man? Could I really fulfill the calling of god on my life if I was with him? Ohh of course I could, so I told myself. The truth is........Love does conquer all, I mean the greatest commandment and the second greatest are about LOVE.....but sometimes it has to be more than just an emotion. It has to go beyond that and we really need to take a step back and think about this LOGICALLY...or even ask god for guidance. Becasue sometimes the power of the emotion of love is so strong, we are willing to die, lie and kill for it.

It was very hard to let it go, even harder to acknowledge that I might have even bent the truth in my own mind and convinced myself he was perfect. But the truth is ....everytime I went to do something that I knew was not in line with this particular individuals thinking or view of life, I would think about his thoughts on it? What would he think about me doing this? How would I be judged by him? Would I measure up to his expectations? Am i being who he would want me to be?

Is this how love really works? That when you are in love you fear being judged by the one that is suppost to love and accpet you just the way you are. Admittedly I was myself (behaviorual wise) around him, but then when it came to some of my social circles, and odd habbits as completely innocent as they were, I didnt feel completely safe, I kept wondering oh and how would he feel about this, I know he wouldnt like it? Now is that really love? Really?? That we must think before we do for fear that we will be judged? Or disapproved of? Even though what we are doing or being is completely innocent. Oh what would he think of my family? (talk them up, cover their flaws, for we are perfect, just the way you want them to be dear)......

As much as every other area of my life would suit him/us or our relationship just fine, there was a part of me that held back on certain things......but i was too blinded by the euphoric high that I turned a blind eye to this. I could be who he wanted because he made me laugh, he understood me, he just didnt understand the god chapter, and really couldnt engage in deep conversation about it, Oh that's fine I told myself, for there are christians for that area of my life. We seem to cover everything when we think we are in love dont we.....We seem to have an answer for every flaw in this relationship and wear our love coloured glasses. We see him through a different light. Thank the lord he moved on, beause if he had not, perhaps I would have conformed and compromised. Perhaps I would have changed those unique things and lost a part of me that is so precious, perhaps I would have erased my past, my little quirks, well I wouldve given up on them of course, for now I had to act a certain way for this man was of a certain socail standing, I would have tried to be someone else in order to constantly keep this individual entertained, amused, in line with his way of life.....this is not who I am...but I love him and ITS OK...SO i continued to LIE to myself. I decided to to to church and let it go last night, leave it, drop it...and just move on from it! Stop idealising the what-would-have!!

So in conclusion I went home last night and felt a sense of relief. I looked around my shoebox arpartment and was rather pleased of it. I was rather pleased with my blutacked photos on my wall THAT MADE me up my life, and the musty curtain that was hanging up. I was pleased that I was myself and no one else. I felt a LOVE for myself like never before. I looked in the mirror and said "looks like its just you and I for now Kid" and you know what I said...my gosh, Suzi your such a unique and interesting character and I truly love you, You my dear bring so much joy to my life and you dont have to worry at any point what anyone is thinking of you, because you love and accept yourself just the way you are. And oh gosh, the relief of not having to be perfect and/or worry about another human beings thoughts, the love that rushed through me, the confidence that I WAS going to be just fine and that life was worth living and that I DID NOT need anyone to make me happy but that I indeed was MY OWN BESTFRIEND. My bestfried would come to coffee with me at the drop of a hat, she loves the same food as I do, will sit in Alice and Gertrude with me all day whilst I annoyingly pick up and put down every book on the shelf, she accompanies me wherever I want to go, she buys me my favourite gifts, she even comes op-shopping with me and patiently waits for me, she laughs at me when I fall over or whenever i say a stupid thing that makes no sense, She lets me pick the movie to watch that night and the event we shall go to that evening, even agrees to whom we have dinner with, everything is my choice and she is always there....no such compromise is made...she is me and I am her..."The best relationship you can have is one with YOURSELF"

I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want to be, create my future without the pressure or input of another human being, JUST GOD AND I. and ohh how great that felt. To be in control again. To not be crying and weeping about how happy SOMEONE ELSE made me, but rather congratulate myself on the great job I was doing with being my own entertainment. I could spend all day Sunday in bed reading a book if I wanted to. I could go overseas, sit in the park all night, meet new people, go out on dates, get to know the randoms of the world, all without limitation. Ohh life is good. But I must add, none of this would have been possible without the power of god. Knowing there is something beyond me, that is my backbone, that spiritual help is such a blessing. We are nothing without christ. I find it hard to believe in myself if I dont believe in him first. Through him I know I am relying on something greater than I and ALL things are NOW possible.AMEN!