Scared

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't ever find anyone that makes me smile as much as you do. I am afraid that I won't ever feel as content as I do when I am around you. I am afriad that no one will laugh at my jokes or my differences like you do. I am afraid that no one will look into my eyes the way you did or kiss me the way you did.I am afriad no one will hold me as tight as you did and not want to let me go like you do. I am afraid that I have shut you out and along with it every thought and memory of you, for it hurts too much to think of what would have been. I am afraid that if I keep trying to shut them out, that they will permanently go away and it will be too late and we won;t ever know. I am afraid that I won't feel a single thing ever again if I keep on riding this emotionless bus.

I am afraid that like the past ten years, I will go back and shut out all my emotions and I will recline to that place of safety. That without even being aware of it, I will shut out people and love and wonder why it passed me by, when the whole time I was unaware of its presence. I opened up, I gave love a chance and it almost emotionally killed me. It left me, walked away and didn't look back.

I am afriad- afraid that I will no longer be drawn to humans and my door will remain shut. This past year, I have experienced an emotion greater than I had not seen or felt before. For days on end, I rode this wave and didn't want it to crash, it crashed and I sat there, alone, with my music, telling myself it would be o.k.

The emotion was love, it was you. Just like that you walked through the door, broke it down and sudeenly you were here in my arms. I had dreamt of this moment, never really thinking it would arrive, that forever it would be an emotion only I felt and wouldn't leave the barriers of my mind, but the other day, you told me I wasn't crazy and that you felt it too. And suddenly you were right here with me, holding me, telling me that this moment felt so right and you wanted it to last forever, i felt that too, but I was too afraid to say it. So instead I sat here with my blanket wrapped around my heart, protecting it, for I knew you would soon be gone and I would be alone again. I am really scared right now, that I no longer feel for you the way I did yesterday and am sad that these beautiful emotions have left me. Where did they go? Were they burnt to ashes? Was the fire so consuming that they could not out live it? They have vanished and I CAN'T find them. i want them back even just for a second, but somehow I have told myself lies about you to try and forget you, because I know I can't keep you and somewhere along the lines, I have believed them and my heart has shifted. I am closed again. Oh God, don't let that happen, allow me to feel again please.