Accept and Love

I am crazy, outrageous, inappropriate and totally disorientated. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, speak 1000 words a minute and trip over all the time. I don't really like to wash my hair that often - say twice a week, I am extremely messy, I can walk over mess and don't really notice it. I am a hoarder, I hoard tons and tons of crap. Loose leaflets, magazines, newspaper articles, like today I kept the mx free paper because I love the colour of Lindsay Lohan's hair in one of the articles, my shelves are piling up with books I have brought but haven't had time to read, which are now spilling into my hallways, mum's garage and my bedroom a mum's place, it's like book haven.I have mountains of shoes and clothes, pens, old boxes, anything and everything. I part with nothing. It's difficult really difficult. Being around me can get a little intense and sometimes you will think I've overdosed on some sort of amphetamine but if you find somewhere in your heart it's worth it or there's something there that you like, then I promise I will stick by you friend and love you till the end.

I love and accept and appreciate each and every single person for who they are and draw out - (well try to) the best of them and would appreciate if you would accept me for who I am. I may embarrass you when I turn up to the door of an exclusive event and when asked who's list I am on - I say the name of the ACTUAL event and then stare blankly at the door boy like - what? I am at the right event - what is your problem? You want my name again? Is there a problem? Thank God for switched on friends stepping in to take over. Or when males walk away from me because I have asked them 190990 questions in the matter of minutes, or even when I do a bozo stare at a random stranger across the room and wonder why he is afraid to turn around for the rest of the evening and look in my direction.

I spill things, drink coffee with a straw and lose things almost all the time. I am clean just messy - some would argue. I miss punctuation marks no matter how hard I try to watch out for them, attention to detail is not my forte, and at times can't be bothered spell checking, not that I can't spell the word or don't know how to, it just takes effort to glide over that keyboard again as I don't know why they wanted have placed the delete button in a not so easy to get to position on the keyboard and you lose your flow - your brain loses it's train of thought and you have to start again -plain annoying so I can't be bothered correcting myself - this may bother you and you may not want to read by blog because of the annoyance it will cause you when there are misspelled words and missing comma's. Just like the above paragraph - no fullstops. How annoying. I am actually annoyed by it.

I have grown up a lot in the past year and am on the verge of becoming an adult (what I am a late bloomer - emotionally)and finally accepting that this is me and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I no longer can. I just lose it and become someone foreign, someone I don't like. I don't like that person, but become it just to gain your acceptance and approval. I no longer care. Just like Kurt Cobain once said - I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And that is going to be my motto from now on. i am sick of pretending, pretending to measure up to your expectations of who I should be. Pretending to be refined and proper. I am not,never will be, and pretending just depresses me and I lose myself, the true self, the one that God looked down upon and said - there I am done. What a creation. This one has a twist. I like it. And if he created it, who am I to argue? I need to engage in that and walk in it and so should you with yourself.

I love people and can spend all day talking to them. Men did scare me, but I think I have overcome that fear now. I am learning to love and accept me, this has been an incredible journey and I think I have finally arrived.

XX Love You All xxx

P.S - I also love Gertrude and Alice, Reading and Writing. I find pouring out my emotions helps me heal. It also helps me clearly see what is going on inside my head. You see when you speak as fast as I do, you miss what you are trying to say, even when speaking to oneself. So therefore I must pour out my emotions and read through them when I haven't had two cups of coffee and am in a clear state of mind. Yep that's it. and like Kurt Cobain said: Read my diary whilst I am alive and get to know me. xx So much Kurt quotation going on here - I am not trying to be all underground and cool namedropping Kurt Cobain now. Not getting all deep and shit. :)
Peace out peeps

Ohh and a special shout out to my dearest friend Victoria who once said - Suzi, just be you. I don't ever want you to be anyone else but you. I love everything about you. The way you drop all your books and trip over all the time, the things you are embarrassed about and try to hide, I love them. Don't ever change, because that won't be you, there is no one that can be you better than you and you do it so well. Please don't ever change Suz!

Victoria- every time I feel like I've fallen short, and think I have nothing to offer the world and that somewhere something went wrong and I failed, or I've said the wrong thing or wish I was more refined, polished,clean whatever, I think of those words and they allow me to love myself again. It's a journey but those words are so powerful and I remember them and think if there is just ONE person in this world who enjoys me for me, then I won't change, if just for the one, it's worth it, because being loved for who you REALLY are - Wow now that's something isn't it. They know you and LOVE YOU, no mask, just you.So V I personally thank you for accepting and loving and not wanting to change me. XXX