I am going to vent now. I am replused by my pathetic blonde antics. Can I just say I strongly believe my brain operates on a switch - just like a light. It has a switch to turn it on. It is defaulted to off. It has to manually be activated and is only activates when it wants something bad enough. Like for instance, planning a trip to NYC in two days and doing it successfully and or finding Russell Brand and ending up on set with him in a matter of hours. That is it's on switch. It does what it wants when it wants and gets where it wants only when it wants. But most of the time it sits on neutral or off as you would like to call it. Like today for instance, it didn't care when or how it got home for getting home was not on my list of priorities so therefore I just jumped on a bus without THINKING it just was there or in front of me, so i did it. A bit like the heroin addict who has lost everything who just tried heroin because it was there, they didn't really think about the consequences of having that first shot, it was right in front of me, so I took it, I didn't know i'd end up homeless addicted and broke. No, we don't and that is our problem most of the time. Well mine now.

Ok brain, this is more a mental note than anything else. Today I CHOOOSE TO SWITCH YOU ON. I choose to wake up and think about what I am doing, who I am dating, where I am going and what not. I choose to charge my phone, clean my house, organise my clohtes, brush my hair and check my list.

Today was a disasterous day. After getting lost in the wrong neighbourhood, I got home, got changed, decided to go out (something I have now discovered I no longer want to do - I am hanging up my partying shoes - this post will be for another time) I choose GOD. I choose the path that leads to life, the one away from the wine and the pubs and the clubs. The one that involves being sober and dancing wherever - just not around drunken (pardon the French)klowns - I was going to use some derogatory terms but decided against it as it would be a contradiction. Choosing God means choosing to follow his law i.e. not using profanities like I was about to. See brain is already being switched on. But no really, so ok, I have this disasterous day, end up coming home, throwing on some shoes and going out to meet Lynda, after loosing my map (that I bought a mere hour ago - I mean how do you loooose a map - slightly infuriated with myself now) I get a cab, I spend 45 minutes in a cab getting to where I need to go only to get there and my phone battery dies, so I have no phone to call Lynda and she is not at our meeting point, I am more than frustrated right now, I get there, try and locate a payphone, none are working, I continue to walk the streets, its now an hour and a half since I left my house, and I finally find a payphone, thank god for having her number in my Australian phone (which mind you is not working here - network error) I call Lynda, meet her and then realise I HAVE FORGOTTEN my ID at home. So now its 130am, NO MAP, NO BATTERY, 45 MINUTES IN A TAXI, tired, exhausted, angry, irratated and any other word you can find in the dictionary that speaks NOT HAPPY JAN, I have to get my ass back in a cab and come home. It was a defninig moment in my life as I looked around and thought - do I really want to spend the rest of my life forgetting things? Yes it makes for great stories and quite an adventure but really? Really Suzi, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, forgetting things, being disorganised? No. It was also then that I decided to tell GOD that I choose him over this pathetic lifestyle of pubs and clubs. It was then that I decided to tell him I wanted to live for him, doing whatever that may be, IT WAS then that I decided shopping at Macy's and partying really isn't what I was created for and it was also then that I asked him for the husband, kids and now dog and picked fence and the whole works. It was then and last night when I encountered a drunk Christian trying to tell me how much he loves his girlfriend and how committed to God and church he is whilst getting a bit too close for my liking or shall we say up in my grill that I realised I didn't want to be that person that has one foot in the world and the other in GOD. It was then that I also realised that I didn't want to live life being a contradiction to GOD and myself. I mean I am not even doing anything bad, but for me personally, if I am partying until 3am every Saturday night BE it without alchohol if you like, I am hardly going to be up and ready for Church in the morning am I now. No.

It is now that I ask GOD to help me do the things I need to do, for I know that being a part of this world and not being in it is not going to be easy. I know I have an extreme personality and I have to balance GOD, world, people and yet still live but not like the world. I know it's not going to be easy but I know I need to balance myself and I know I need to start by going to church tomorrow and taking ech day as it comes.

Ok I am going to try and find my map - I feel like I might need it soon and organise myself for tomorrow I am going to the INternational Centre of Photography.

Night y'all.
xxxxS