Ok so I have landed in New York. I have been here a mere 24 hours and have already spent way more than I would in a week in Sydney but that is ok because this place is amazing. So Customs!!! Attention Customs Officers: I know you are already aware of this, but let me remind you again - people are smuggling in drugs because you are too busy throwing out my belongings. If you weren't so concerned about the three over 100ml items that were in my bag, you mighenev missed the fools brining in illegal substances. Like no really, sunscreen, three deoderatn cans - (why on earth I brought so many to NYC with me is still a puzzle to me also.
Ohh and did I mention LAX took my entire 1L bottle of absolute Vodka. Umm yes. No liquids in the coun...tyr ma-am.What!! are you kidding me? Like no really? Not that I am a drinker, well not really, but one glass of it would have been nice. Cool I hope you people enjoy drinking it. yep totally. better someone does.

The flight was horrific. I hate flying. I couldn't sleep, the medication I took made me feel worse and might I add the dude that sat next to me on the flight has a story to tell his buddies. I kept, taking photos of MYSELF, my journal, my book, playing Bon Jovi music videos and taking pics of the monitor and I (you know like pretending I am in the video posing with Jovi) cool right - yeah he didnt think so. By the end of the flight had managed to move so far away from me he was practically falling over into the aisle.it wasn't funny. I fell on him whilst I tried to go to the bathroom, too. His fault, shouldve gotten up like a gentlemen instead of swinging his legs around the 20cm gap we had to get through!! But nooo...so it wasn't my fault that for some unbeknown to me reason, I happened to be holding a cup of water and spilt it all over him and the annoying idiot in front and I stole his pretzels when he fell asleep. What, I was hungry, and I didn't really want to wake him up so I could go and fetch myself some, so I thought he would rather I take his than waking the prince from his sleep. Also, I was highly annoyed by the want-to-be-cool outdated fat smelly gross want to be / missed the boat artist.Ok I am all for the i dont shower underground poet-artist-dirty grunge scene, but seriously, the pretentious too cool for your own pathetic school, is really not on dude. He continued to move his seat back, constantly disturbing me from my sleep position (on the fold out food tray) and waking me up. Like seriously dude, is it essential to move your effing seat back and forth that many times? Like do you not have any respect for fellow travellers? and then, then, after all that had the nerve, the nerve, the mumble after I pressed my head against the back of his seat as I fell asleep on the tray. I mean you have been pushing your fat back into my space for the entire trip and I want to have a nap and suddenly my light head pressed against the back of your chair is bothering you. Seriously dude, its not on. Loose the wanna be geek glasses, they dont suit you, and put a smile on your face, it works a treat. Not on I say. Not on.Mildly infuriated. Probably as infuriated as the guy sitting next to me was with me.

Now i've spent the last ten minutes looking for our aprtment key, Lynda entrusted me with it, I came home and forgot where I had put it. Story of my life. Put it isn't the correct terminology - gramatically incorrect, placed would be a more appropriate word to use right now. placedc thekey. or rather misplaced. whater too tired. will finish this update tomorrow.l need sleep before I go MAD. XX

I thought you were perfect, but I was misguided, mislead, mistrusted,
your thoughts, your words, your sentences, oh how they sounded so perfect and rang so true, they were everything I had always wanted to hear and mre and suddenly it was real.
Every word ever so read, ever so real, ever so a contradiction to the last,
for you mean what you say and say what you mean but even you dont know what that is..
to be inside your head, is it all clear in there with a map and directions of where to go - are you aware of your game/
or are you struggling, lying to yourself, trhying to figure it out ....
bringing the world in with you, into your little world and game.


A word you spoke
A look you gave
A gentle whisper
A kiss
worlds collided, for a moment, i was yours and you were mine
kisses, caresses, tender and soft
Escaped from reality into a world beyond
above and beyond,


I was yours and you were mine, ohh sweet sweet wine.

My little pedal

She takes my hand and walks me through the forest when I cannot see my way
she lands on my doorstep, uninvited before the break of day
Bringing her laugher and her cheer
AShe holds my hands and lights the way for I cannot see today
She brings her love and laughter and really wants to play
I dont want to ; I dont want to - I say
go away and leave me for another day for today i want to lay and pray
pray for a better day
she listens not, instead jumps and laughs and talks that i cannot be be alight.

Turning

The wheels are turning but your not here
i’m screaming but you can’t hear
Deep into the dark you went
disappeared like the sun at dark
I need you, I want you but I dont
Addiction how can you be so good but yet so bad
My body aches, my brain hurts, I need another hit
I am shaking, spinning, thoughts vivid and wild, churning, motions turning
Stop!!! I need you now, I need that hit,
I need to stop the wheels from turning
I need stillness, so still, so loud, your not near, sounds buzzing,
wide awake, sleep where are you now, I want you, I need you, I really do
Sun sun shine brightly again, stream through all my windows and come the break of day
come through the darkness, burn the noise, through the doors, let me see, that light, let me see that light, that one shinning so bright……

Accept and Love

I am crazy, outrageous, inappropriate and totally disorientated. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, speak 1000 words a minute and trip over all the time. I don't really like to wash my hair that often - say twice a week, I am extremely messy, I can walk over mess and don't really notice it. I am a hoarder, I hoard tons and tons of crap. Loose leaflets, magazines, newspaper articles, like today I kept the mx free paper because I love the colour of Lindsay Lohan's hair in one of the articles, my shelves are piling up with books I have brought but haven't had time to read, which are now spilling into my hallways, mum's garage and my bedroom a mum's place, it's like book haven.I have mountains of shoes and clothes, pens, old boxes, anything and everything. I part with nothing. It's difficult really difficult. Being around me can get a little intense and sometimes you will think I've overdosed on some sort of amphetamine but if you find somewhere in your heart it's worth it or there's something there that you like, then I promise I will stick by you friend and love you till the end.

I love and accept and appreciate each and every single person for who they are and draw out - (well try to) the best of them and would appreciate if you would accept me for who I am. I may embarrass you when I turn up to the door of an exclusive event and when asked who's list I am on - I say the name of the ACTUAL event and then stare blankly at the door boy like - what? I am at the right event - what is your problem? You want my name again? Is there a problem? Thank God for switched on friends stepping in to take over. Or when males walk away from me because I have asked them 190990 questions in the matter of minutes, or even when I do a bozo stare at a random stranger across the room and wonder why he is afraid to turn around for the rest of the evening and look in my direction.

I spill things, drink coffee with a straw and lose things almost all the time. I am clean just messy - some would argue. I miss punctuation marks no matter how hard I try to watch out for them, attention to detail is not my forte, and at times can't be bothered spell checking, not that I can't spell the word or don't know how to, it just takes effort to glide over that keyboard again as I don't know why they wanted have placed the delete button in a not so easy to get to position on the keyboard and you lose your flow - your brain loses it's train of thought and you have to start again -plain annoying so I can't be bothered correcting myself - this may bother you and you may not want to read by blog because of the annoyance it will cause you when there are misspelled words and missing comma's. Just like the above paragraph - no fullstops. How annoying. I am actually annoyed by it.

I have grown up a lot in the past year and am on the verge of becoming an adult (what I am a late bloomer - emotionally)and finally accepting that this is me and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I no longer can. I just lose it and become someone foreign, someone I don't like. I don't like that person, but become it just to gain your acceptance and approval. I no longer care. Just like Kurt Cobain once said - I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And that is going to be my motto from now on. i am sick of pretending, pretending to measure up to your expectations of who I should be. Pretending to be refined and proper. I am not,never will be, and pretending just depresses me and I lose myself, the true self, the one that God looked down upon and said - there I am done. What a creation. This one has a twist. I like it. And if he created it, who am I to argue? I need to engage in that and walk in it and so should you with yourself.

I love people and can spend all day talking to them. Men did scare me, but I think I have overcome that fear now. I am learning to love and accept me, this has been an incredible journey and I think I have finally arrived.

XX Love You All xxx

P.S - I also love Gertrude and Alice, Reading and Writing. I find pouring out my emotions helps me heal. It also helps me clearly see what is going on inside my head. You see when you speak as fast as I do, you miss what you are trying to say, even when speaking to oneself. So therefore I must pour out my emotions and read through them when I haven't had two cups of coffee and am in a clear state of mind. Yep that's it. and like Kurt Cobain said: Read my diary whilst I am alive and get to know me. xx So much Kurt quotation going on here - I am not trying to be all underground and cool namedropping Kurt Cobain now. Not getting all deep and shit. :)
Peace out peeps

Ohh and a special shout out to my dearest friend Victoria who once said - Suzi, just be you. I don't ever want you to be anyone else but you. I love everything about you. The way you drop all your books and trip over all the time, the things you are embarrassed about and try to hide, I love them. Don't ever change, because that won't be you, there is no one that can be you better than you and you do it so well. Please don't ever change Suz!

Victoria- every time I feel like I've fallen short, and think I have nothing to offer the world and that somewhere something went wrong and I failed, or I've said the wrong thing or wish I was more refined, polished,clean whatever, I think of those words and they allow me to love myself again. It's a journey but those words are so powerful and I remember them and think if there is just ONE person in this world who enjoys me for me, then I won't change, if just for the one, it's worth it, because being loved for who you REALLY are - Wow now that's something isn't it. They know you and LOVE YOU, no mask, just you.So V I personally thank you for accepting and loving and not wanting to change me. XXX

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't ever find anyone that makes me smile as much as you do. I am afraid that I won't ever feel as content as I do when I am around you. I am afriad that no one will laugh at my jokes or my differences like you do. I am afraid that no one will look into my eyes the way you did or kiss me the way you did.I am afriad no one will hold me as tight as you did and not want to let me go like you did. I am afraid that I won't be able to share that side of me with anyone like I did with you, I am afraid that I will have to shut you out and along with it every thought and memory of you, for it hurts too much to think of what would have been. I am afraid that if I keep trying to shut them out, that they will permanently go away and it will be too late and we won't ever know. I am afraid that I won't feel a single thing ever again if I continue to pretend it was just a dream. But right now, that after all this, you chose to walk away from it, that hurts to much to acknowledge. To know we could have been perfect together, We fitted, we were right, we were fun together, we were the couple others would look at and think - wow they found it, its real, its alive, we are alive. We gave love hope. It would have made for the perfect fairytale, but somehow it scared you more to know what would have been and then it did me, as easily as you walked in, you turned around and walked out now I am left here, with nothing more than an empty shell. Lifeless and alone.

I met you a year ago, I didnt see myself fall for you, but what I didn't see was you falling for me too. We fell, we fell so hard and fast. As quickly as you walked in, you walked out. I sit here now all alone and just wonder, wonder what would have been had not not been afraid to venture into the unknown and give us a chance. Instead you chose to walk back into what was familiar and comfortable. We shared a very rare and precious connection, one beyond aything i had ever known, one that is so hard to find, one that some spend years searching for, yet we found it when we weren't looking for it. You were content, I was just as fine loving myself and being alone. I didn't ask for this, but when it happened it was unbelieveable. Like something out of a movie. It would one day make a great movie that would capture twilight fans around the world. But you left, you walked away and ran.I will nevr know why you didn't stay but perhaps time was not on our side, or perpahs I am praying for a lollypop when god has a whole chocolate factory in store for me and that is why he is saying just wait, jsut wait, the best is yet to come.

New York - I heart you

So what happened, I quit my job, got fired, quit my second job, fell in and out of love - all in the matter of weeks. Well not quite the love part took quite some time to form, to be honest, just like in the movies, I didn't even know it was there until it was too late to walk away and a minor crush had already formed into a full blazing fire. but it all came together overnight and fell apart the next day - not like that, but like that. All within two weeks. WOW, now that is some major deconstruction of my life right there. Ohh and did I mention I hit into a car whilst driving on some form of prescribed medication. I should read the packaging more often, but figuring I had been on that potent stuff for years, I thought myself quite capable of driving. Little did one realise that I had always commuted by public transport when in that sedated state and completely forgot what it was like to drive on it. Well i woke up pretty quick when I slammed into the back of a golf. Thank god for my monster of a family car mum was kind enough to lend me after I crashed my wait.....counting...fourth car last year. Kind of gave up on buying a car after that, my car was not damaged. I quickly or not so quickly realised that the road, cars and I just dont mix in a healthy way. We destruct we are not healthy for one another. Whatever..I dont even know anymore.

So where to from here, I am booking a flight to New York,I have no accommodation, but am praying to my amazing GOD that he will help me pull something together at the last minute otherwise I will know what it feels like to be homeless and sleeping in Times Square. Life is just an experience isnt it; Spontaneiouty doesn't come very often and when it does, you just take it and roll with it, not knowing where you will end up.

To be honest, I am terrified of flying, so thank god for the overly generous doctor who gave me my medication that is going to calm my nerves and hopefully by the time I wake up I will be in LA or New York or somewhere on safe ground.

So now that I know what it's like to fall in love with a human and have my heart shattered into a billion pieces, someting I had held in protective gear for years, I just let go, just like that.To have my twilight moment and then have it taken from underneath me, actually not really underneath probably right before me. ahh well.
I am ready to experience the love of a city - New York. Where amazing things can happen. I am ready to encounter above and beyond. Art-Culture-Music-Broadway-Interesting Characters. I want to talk to everyone and anyone. I want to take home a piece of everything. I want my hear to reach beyond its limits, I want it to expand, I want it to breathe, eat and live. I want it most of all to love. To love creation and life. To understand creation ( I think after having my heart broken - I finally understand all those crying girls that I told - shut the heck up, get over it, its just a boy) ohh darling, is it just. A shout out sorry to all those girls. I now know and dammmmit - it hurts.

I wish I did have someone to share this experience with - why am I ALWAYS travelling ALONE - 5 years ago sitting in Cinque Terre overlooking the gorgeous water, I thought the same thought. Hopefully one day that won't be the case, but hopefully I will take many memories of the people I meet back with me.

Alloha for now. much love peeps. Peace outxx

Scared

I am afraid. I am afraid that I won't ever find anyone that makes me smile as much as you do. I am afraid that I won't ever feel as content as I do when I am around you. I am afriad that no one will laugh at my jokes or my differences like you do. I am afraid that no one will look into my eyes the way you did or kiss me the way you did.I am afriad no one will hold me as tight as you did and not want to let me go like you do. I am afraid that I have shut you out and along with it every thought and memory of you, for it hurts too much to think of what would have been. I am afraid that if I keep trying to shut them out, that they will permanently go away and it will be too late and we won;t ever know. I am afraid that I won't feel a single thing ever again if I keep on riding this emotionless bus.

I am afraid that like the past ten years, I will go back and shut out all my emotions and I will recline to that place of safety. That without even being aware of it, I will shut out people and love and wonder why it passed me by, when the whole time I was unaware of its presence. I opened up, I gave love a chance and it almost emotionally killed me. It left me, walked away and didn't look back.

I am afriad- afraid that I will no longer be drawn to humans and my door will remain shut. This past year, I have experienced an emotion greater than I had not seen or felt before. For days on end, I rode this wave and didn't want it to crash, it crashed and I sat there, alone, with my music, telling myself it would be o.k.

The emotion was love, it was you. Just like that you walked through the door, broke it down and sudeenly you were here in my arms. I had dreamt of this moment, never really thinking it would arrive, that forever it would be an emotion only I felt and wouldn't leave the barriers of my mind, but the other day, you told me I wasn't crazy and that you felt it too. And suddenly you were right here with me, holding me, telling me that this moment felt so right and you wanted it to last forever, i felt that too, but I was too afraid to say it. So instead I sat here with my blanket wrapped around my heart, protecting it, for I knew you would soon be gone and I would be alone again. I am really scared right now, that I no longer feel for you the way I did yesterday and am sad that these beautiful emotions have left me. Where did they go? Were they burnt to ashes? Was the fire so consuming that they could not out live it? They have vanished and I CAN'T find them. i want them back even just for a second, but somehow I have told myself lies about you to try and forget you, because I know I can't keep you and somewhere along the lines, I have believed them and my heart has shifted. I am closed again. Oh God, don't let that happen, allow me to feel again please.