ToSmile......

Oh Heart....

I once read the only way to get over a romance is to pour it out, I believe I have just done that and by doing that have dedicated a HUGE portion of my blog to this thing called LOVE.....such a beautiful emotion, i think more should be dedicated to it....but now now I am excited for the journey ahead. I am excited to be single, .....Not that I was not before, but somehow emotionally I have been attached to something not worth attaching myself to, I now let go of that and look forward to spending time with myself and hanging out with me. All grown up and all now that I have finally lent out my little heart and had it shattered. I somehow feel like I have grown from this experience and wonder why I even held back lending my heart all these years.

Wish I had done it earlier, but that's ok, because now that I have experienced this little test run, baby I am more than ready for the real thing.

Letters of Love....

Now i sit here alone and your not here, those words you spoke,the laughs you gave; the emotional space dedicated to you. I went out often in the hope that I would see you and that something might ignite. That somehow you would finally see what I see, that you could finally feel as drawn to me as I did you. I was fooling myself, i was convincing myself, sitting here hoping that you would walk through the door and tell me you were madly in love with me, that you couldnt live without me, that i was like no one you had ever met before.

I CAN write pages and pages about this "thing" that took, place .. or did it. i wont deny what i felt and what you made me feel. Even if it wasnt reciprocated. There was certinaly something special about you and you certainly devoted a huge amount of time to me. You listened to my stories, all of them, you even laughed and made me feel somewhat special, unique even. you laughed at me and me at you. We joked and made fun of each other. We laughed and I cant remeber the last time I carelessly laughed like that. Finally i was sleeping peacefully at night. I wasnt waking up nor worrying about anything. Life had begun, Love has taken place, this is what the buzz was about, this is what people were taking about and oh how physically real it felt.

Life seemed pretty sweet for the first time in a long time. I didnt mind waking up ..i couldn't wait to drink my coffee and continue on my eurphoric high. why did you come along and what purpose did you have? now here i am sitting in this mess, still holding on, still hoping, although that hope gets smaller and smaller each and everyday. I know your and me will never be, and that is o.k. i guess i just want to know..did you feel anything? was it mutual or was it just me? why did you unlock what no one else could, and will i feel like this about another man ever? My heart aches when i hear your name, i almost felt like your name was imprinted on it. Oh how it wouldve made for the perfect fairytale, but perhaps in anther time, another place, another scene. Not thisone, not now.

HIGHS

This feeling is nothing like I had imagined it to be. I always imagined it to be great, but this, this, is ....on another level...

Why I thought euphoric highs were only caused by pink little pills or copious amounts of alcohol why even other chemicals....... I did not think it possible to feel something within your heart when speaking or communicating, engaging with another human being on an emotional level.

For I thought my heart was unbreakable, I always thought i was incapable of falling in love, i dreamt about it, watched movies made about, seen couples take their vows, heck even seen men cause physical violence over it, yet I had not imagined why anyone would want to fight over love, for weren't there many fish out in the sea? what was it about this thing called "love" that caused us to act a way, we never normally would, do to and say things we never normally would, what is defined as normal anyway? mediocre everyday feelings...highs and lows, stability......

It wasn't until i had fallen and that my every bone/emotion in my body felt like it had overdosed on some sort of happy pill that i realised I had fallen in love. so this is what love felt like, when you don't want to sleep, because being awake is so amazing, when you hear a song and it sends a huge shiver down your spine, along with a flutter in your heart, when you light up more than any amount of alcohol can light you up..wow the power of love huh..now I know why songs are made about it, its quite a strong emotion and as I've of late discovered no amount of sedatives can sedate. No amount of coffee or alchohol can numb. If anything it only makes it STRONGER. Wow. the power of this little thing called LOVE, as i've discoveed, not so little after all.

I admit, admitting to myself after years of hearing about it, i had finally fallen, right before my very eyes, i had fallen. How I couldn't believe it that even someone like me could fall. Suddenly i cared for nothing else, but a whisper, a word, a smile a call from this particular person. For no human being i had encountered could ever pick me up, with just a few words. It was like with every word you were injecting amphetamines into my body.

Feeling

It feels like a lifetime ago now when you first walked into my life, part of me wants those days back, those days when nothing mattered but you, nothing but me, when days were bright and long and nights were enchanting. When I went to bed and slept peacefully for I knew the dawn would come and you would be there. You walked into my life holding that golden key, that one that I had spent years searching for and eventually gave up, thinking that my heart would simply remain as it was.......... unlocked/bound/blocked.

I didn't know what love was, forever i had watched many movies and wondered what it would feel like to be that girl in the movie, to be the one in love. Was love an emotion? Did you feel it? Was it something that you felt in your stomach, your brain, your chest? I didn't understand it, that was until.....you came along. Your laugh, your smile, your eyes, the way they spoke a thousand words, was it real? were you even real? I look back now and think for it was just a dream for something like this at arms length seems to surreal? really was it real? are you even real?

You came equipped with that key, you unlocked that part to me that i had managed oh so successfully to keep hidden for years, that part of me that I wasn't about to reveal to anyone, somehow you came along and opened that door that held my heart in one...i STARTED to feel again, to love people, to love myself, to believe in myself.I felt alive, like anything was possible, like finally even i was having my moment, my chance at life. For i did not plan nor imagine this moment, for it just happened right before my eyes, before i could do anything to stop it, as quickly as you walked in, you walked out and here i stand ..looking around, trying to find the pieces, my heart is no longer locked away, instead its scattered all over the place, i am trying desperately to find the pieces so i can put it back together again, moments of searching and collecting pieces,only for you to say hello and i drop them again, they fall out of my hands and under my feet, how did i drop them, it wasn't meant to happen, again the collection starts, vicious cycle...i need to collect them and hold them close...i need to not let them drop each time you walk through the door.

My interests have slowly deterred, i don't want to go out, i want to stay under the covers all day long, but that too hurts, drinking coffee is no longer fun, food doesn't taste the same, my nights drag on and don't seem to end, although i must be brave, that too seems like too much, sometimes i wonder would it have been better to not have seen, that to have felt and dropped and broken?

I spent the last month crying over a boy I barely knew. Well actually thats a lie, I knew him quite well but obviously not well enough. ANyhow, day after day, I dreamt about how perfect he was and how much he made me laugh. Moments with him seemed like I was in a different world, a different being and even living a different life. I for the first time understood when gilrs would say "ohh gushhhhh he makes me so happy" For years I never understood that, because I truly believed NO ONE can make you happy but yourself. But suddenly something as little as a hellow from this individual would put more than a smile on my face. It was like a euphoric drug. Spending time with this individual was like nothing else, i had not planned nor imagined this, it was pure bliss. I couldnt wait until the next text message or the next email would come through, or the next time I would see him, thoughts of him would help me get out of bed on a cold winters morning if I knew an enciounter with him was on the agenda, everything about him would immediatley brighen my mood and my ENTIRE day. He and life with him in it was just perfect. I didnt need sleep, suddenly i felt like a manic, I couldnt understand the feeling, but I knew this human was responsible for it... This was LOVE it had to be. For we made the perfect couple, we just fitted, my days suddenly seemed so much more eventful and exciting. I looked forward to getting out of bed...

That was until .... well until it all came crashing down or more so reality hit me like a ton of bricks would hit a human being and I realised I had concocted this fantasy in my own head. The thing with us women is, we love the idea of being in love. We find someone, they tick all the boxes (or so the superficial ones), we get along with them like a house on fire and suddenly start planning our future together. We totally bypass the fact that he just said he hates animals (oh thats fine, I always wanted a dog) but spending time with you is more important so no dog, fine I can deal with that. Ohh I always wanted to live in the city, but no he wants to raise a family in the country and suddenly so do I. CLICK! There goes my dream of the beautiful terrace home in the city I had envisioned. We tell ourselves we are sacrificing for the sake of love, because its very RARE for someone as great as this to come along. They never come along and finally after all these years someone comes along who can put a smile on my face and keep it there all day, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. Even sacrifice MY DREAMS. Anyhow, so a month ago I found out this individual has moved on with someone else, oh how it broke my heart and how I felt my life would not be a blissful or entertaining ever again. For he was the one. The only one that understood me, the only one that could make me happy, life was so much better with him in it......WAS IT really? Or was I just adjusting some minor switches to fall sync with his understanding of the world? Was I really not compromising my beliefs, goals and values by seeing my future with this man? Could I really fulfill the calling of god on my life if I was with him? Ohh of course I could, so I told myself. The truth is........Love does conquer all, I mean the greatest commandment and the second greatest are about LOVE.....but sometimes it has to be more than just an emotion. It has to go beyond that and we really need to take a step back and think about this LOGICALLY...or even ask god for guidance. Becasue sometimes the power of the emotion of love is so strong, we are willing to die, lie and kill for it.

It was very hard to let it go, even harder to acknowledge that I might have even bent the truth in my own mind and convinced myself he was perfect. But the truth is ....everytime I went to do something that I knew was not in line with this particular individuals thinking or view of life, I would think about his thoughts on it? What would he think about me doing this? How would I be judged by him? Would I measure up to his expectations? Am i being who he would want me to be?

Is this how love really works? That when you are in love you fear being judged by the one that is suppost to love and accpet you just the way you are. Admittedly I was myself (behaviorual wise) around him, but then when it came to some of my social circles, and odd habbits as completely innocent as they were, I didnt feel completely safe, I kept wondering oh and how would he feel about this, I know he wouldnt like it? Now is that really love? Really?? That we must think before we do for fear that we will be judged? Or disapproved of? Even though what we are doing or being is completely innocent. Oh what would he think of my family? (talk them up, cover their flaws, for we are perfect, just the way you want them to be dear)......

As much as every other area of my life would suit him/us or our relationship just fine, there was a part of me that held back on certain things......but i was too blinded by the euphoric high that I turned a blind eye to this. I could be who he wanted because he made me laugh, he understood me, he just didnt understand the god chapter, and really couldnt engage in deep conversation about it, Oh that's fine I told myself, for there are christians for that area of my life. We seem to cover everything when we think we are in love dont we.....We seem to have an answer for every flaw in this relationship and wear our love coloured glasses. We see him through a different light. Thank the lord he moved on, beause if he had not, perhaps I would have conformed and compromised. Perhaps I would have changed those unique things and lost a part of me that is so precious, perhaps I would have erased my past, my little quirks, well I wouldve given up on them of course, for now I had to act a certain way for this man was of a certain socail standing, I would have tried to be someone else in order to constantly keep this individual entertained, amused, in line with his way of life.....this is not who I am...but I love him and ITS OK...SO i continued to LIE to myself. I decided to to to church and let it go last night, leave it, drop it...and just move on from it! Stop idealising the what-would-have!!

So in conclusion I went home last night and felt a sense of relief. I looked around my shoebox arpartment and was rather pleased of it. I was rather pleased with my blutacked photos on my wall THAT MADE me up my life, and the musty curtain that was hanging up. I was pleased that I was myself and no one else. I felt a LOVE for myself like never before. I looked in the mirror and said "looks like its just you and I for now Kid" and you know what I said...my gosh, Suzi your such a unique and interesting character and I truly love you, You my dear bring so much joy to my life and you dont have to worry at any point what anyone is thinking of you, because you love and accept yourself just the way you are. And oh gosh, the relief of not having to be perfect and/or worry about another human beings thoughts, the love that rushed through me, the confidence that I WAS going to be just fine and that life was worth living and that I DID NOT need anyone to make me happy but that I indeed was MY OWN BESTFRIEND. My bestfried would come to coffee with me at the drop of a hat, she loves the same food as I do, will sit in Alice and Gertrude with me all day whilst I annoyingly pick up and put down every book on the shelf, she accompanies me wherever I want to go, she buys me my favourite gifts, she even comes op-shopping with me and patiently waits for me, she laughs at me when I fall over or whenever i say a stupid thing that makes no sense, She lets me pick the movie to watch that night and the event we shall go to that evening, even agrees to whom we have dinner with, everything is my choice and she is always there....no such compromise is made...she is me and I am her..."The best relationship you can have is one with YOURSELF"

I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want to be, create my future without the pressure or input of another human being, JUST GOD AND I. and ohh how great that felt. To be in control again. To not be crying and weeping about how happy SOMEONE ELSE made me, but rather congratulate myself on the great job I was doing with being my own entertainment. I could spend all day Sunday in bed reading a book if I wanted to. I could go overseas, sit in the park all night, meet new people, go out on dates, get to know the randoms of the world, all without limitation. Ohh life is good. But I must add, none of this would have been possible without the power of god. Knowing there is something beyond me, that is my backbone, that spiritual help is such a blessing. We are nothing without christ. I find it hard to believe in myself if I dont believe in him first. Through him I know I am relying on something greater than I and ALL things are NOW possible.AMEN!

The Fairytale....as it is

We sat side by side in class, the day I met you and was placed in your lodge group, i decided that I would make an effort to be nice., You see my past with men has not always been one of love and comfort, to be completely honest, i couldnt stand the male species. Coming out of a broken relationship, I had decided the pain after it, was not worth the euphoria I endured throughout the short time in romantc bliss and was not going to allow another man in close enough to be able to cause me that kind of pain again. So I simply decided to not go past hello with the male species. The wall was tall, and nothing could break it down...that was nothing except god.....

Ohhh if only I had known I would fall so fast, if only i could see this, i am not so sure I wouldve stepped into it. It started by simply discussing assignments, you adding in a joke here and there, and one that I totally understood. It was like suddenly someone who seen the world through the same lens as me. Who understood the world a lot like me, who had walked a similar path to me, and yet who could make me laugh at the drop of a coin. Oh how, I didnt realise, that day after day I would go to school and suddenly look forward to it. Suddenly I didnt dread group assignments, but rather looked forward to them, I looked forward to us sitting there whilst we pretended to work on our assignment and joked about how annoying the teacher was. ignring the rest of the group, it was like we were in our own little world and didnt care what they saw or thought about us laughing all day. You told stories that had me in bowled over in laughter, and use any excuse to talk to you, at the time it sure didnt occur to me, the reasoning behind it. The way you would laugh at the silly things I said, the way you would walk over and really care about what it was that I had just mumbled and walked away, you wanted to know what i had said, it mattered, you wanted to know what I was thinking and why. You remembered things I had said in the past, remembered what my plans were that day, took notice of things others had not.

Our graduation, we went out, we had some wine, we laughed we talked, we completely forgot there were other people in the room, the night was just perfect. We discussed life, our views, our beliefs and made complete fun of ourselves. I couldn't remember the last time I had so much fun and sat alone with a male for such a long time. It was euphoric...again that euphoria. The night ended perfectly and we both went home, nothing romantically or physcially taking place. I woke up the next day, feeling like i had taken some sort of drugs, how was it that I felt so high? What was this feeling? It was no longer a fairytale being concocted in my head, but a physical response my body was having to whatever it was that was emotinally going on. I googled.....feeling of love and got, euphoric state, person respondsa little lik they are on amphetimines.....there was my answer...i had fallen in love. in fairytle love, something that didnt happen with a checklist, something that didnt happen with a dinner date and me assessing every quality this person did or did not possess, but by me being me without expectations of acception, WITHOUT limitation and pretense. Me accepting him without thinking about his flaws nor what kind of husband he would make, because quite honestly, that never crossed my mind, to me he was just a friend and a human being and I was getting to know him as an individual...and at the same time, someone come along, who liked that me for me...and him being him, somehow these two personalities clicked due to their natural state........Oh how divine it was...that I had finally fallen in love and suddenly the world looked differently and i looked forward to getting out of bed even more each day, knowing a text from you or a word from you would definitely have me laughing on my way to school....I expected it, but someone beat me to it and now you love and belong to them.....and I wait..being myself hoping mr right will come along and you were just a prerequisite.

was the pain worth the fall? Yes, becauase I learnt an important lesson. Always be yourself, and have no expectations of other people, that way when you find that you two have the most amazing, utter fun together, the fact that he only has four fingers instead of five doesnt matter. Becauswe you love him for how he makes you feel, not for how many gucci bags he can buy you. When you sittng at home with all your handbags and feel empty inside because the one you love is a supplier of money not love, life isnt what it should be....until next time. A thought.Be yourself, and be open to everyone.