Escape

I want to escape with the stranger I met on the street last week. I want to enter their world for a whole day, a whole night, even a whole week.
I want to sit behind my lense and capture them in their environment.
I want to know what it is like to live in someone else's universe for a day.

I want to sit on their rooftops, talking about life, our dreams our fears, our past and most importantly, the here and now, this very moment.
I want to lay on the mountaintops and be enveloped by the night, surrounded by nothing more than the stars and the light of the moon.Wine stained lips, messy hair wrapped in a band of flowers, secrets leaving my lips. I want to walk along the sand at the break of dawn, welcoming the day. I want to whisper sweet lullaby's to the Lord in the heavens above.
I want to pray for a better tomorrow.
I want to want to love today.

I want to take pretty pictures of love, of sun and clouds and flowers and empty fields. I want to runaway with you. Away from this, from here, from the past, from the present, from everything I have ever known. From every secret I have ever had to hide. I want to be free again.

Its bruised, its battered, its been afflicted'
its painful, it hurts, its distorted your view
life isn't what you expected,
people change, things turn'but beneath it all I see beauty, love and grace
battered but still living.

sweet

poem

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

My favorite poem.
Writer: Unknown

Let the curtain fall

Let the curtain fall
I'll take my bow, Ill leave the stage
I'll say my role has been played
I've sung my song
played my part
I was the fool
You broke my heart
So let the curtain fall
The play is done,
we said our lines to the end
no romeo - no juliet
So let's forget and let the curtain fallllll
The final act
The final scene
turn off the lights
take off your pain, remove your tears,
they're only fake and let the curtain fall
The play is done;
the love has gone
we've said our lines to the end
No Romeo no Juliet
So....let's forget and let the curtain falllll

Music
Takes me away and always has
The addiction is so strong
I can't keep away
To contain the sound to my bedroom and home
I want to do this, but not alone
To be in the places I shouldn't;
with people I shouldn't
but the music its so powerful
I just want to listen and dance and play
The bars, the pubs and the clubs they play all my troubles away
Being in a room where you cannot hear the voices in your head over the loud music
now thats where I wanna be
In a bar, club and pub but I know Iknow that's not good for my soul
I know I can't shut out reality and people and just lurk in the clubs alone with themusic although that's really wher I wanna be
It lets me in, plays sweet melodies, tells me how I am feelings and allows me to be free
I want to be free, to dance sing just me the music being played, that's all I want, no one else will do, for I have been to that place and you cannot be what the music can be to me. I wanna jump deep into your veins and explor them, the music the sounds, the beats,
How wonderful it would be to be free in that.

You and No longer I

You are You; and I am Me
Great together we can be
Although for us, I know we are not meant to be
Your love for the things of this world is greater than that of mine
MY LOVE for love; is greater than that of yours
I am real and very raw, living for that of love and joy & creativity
You are you living for that of the world,
the money, the fame, and your pride for the love of this very game
Worlds so far apart,that no even a love so strong,
can make this wrong so right
So I open my hand and with it my heart, as I let you go, and with you, that world
so false, so untrue
I now fly free, free as a butterfly fresh out of a coccoon,
free to be me, the one I have desired to be, free from the false
confines of this world and the wishes of my at the time blind mind
and you...well you will lay, for another day, striving trying to please the world;
living so far away, so far from the person you were created to be.

Hippie Love

I want to be hippie today. Living on a commune, eating nothing but brown rice and green beans, perhaps even beetroot and cabbage. Strolling along, sleeping in a hammock with my favourite books,listening to Pete Doherty play acoustic (not too sure how ipod's would go down) the live version would be much better. But instead I am in a 17 storey building listening to corporate talk overlooking the harbour bridge. Hmmm

BARE AND BROKEN

I didn't notice opening the door - but the wind is blowing me away, fierce and strong
I didn't see the walls coming down, but I am standing amongst rubble and dust, covered in it all
I didn't notice the roof collapse, but I stand here without shelter, bare and alone
Robbed, completely bare, without a shelter

When did I lose my way? How did you get through the barries I had created? My mind was still, it stood anchored in truth?
Somewhere, somehow, still unknown till now, you came through and knock it all down, the hopelessness, the trust,the faith, it all down
I stand here now, alone....destroyed,lost and broken in need of restoraion'

From destruction comes healing, bareness ready to be clothed in truth and bathed in love, A precious gift given by the father above

BARE, UNBOUND, FREE, I am ready to stand on truth again, this time though, free as ever I stand, no walls, no doors, no barries, no roof, free as I can be. raw and real, feet left bare, thoughts real, heart tender and and open, ready to be me, free of you and your constraints, your platform, built on a foundation of lies and insecurity, self importance and pride, unable to move from the surface to see the depth that lies beneath. Unable to be free, unable to be you. Because of that unable to be me. But no longer will I allow my mind to be bound, by the lies that were told, fed to it, creating something new, something found, something treasured, something restored, all now false and broken

Now, Now it stands here, without all these barriers, unloaded, no constraints, instead grounded, firmly planted in the truth, the truth of love and life, the truth set before us all, by the one and only master of truth itself, the father, son and holy spirit, the glue and foundation of our being, our inner most being.

words

when the words dont come out and you don't know what to say...

I met boy less than a year ago. And it only took me one whole year to fall in love with him, i don't exactly know at what point I feel in love with him, but I did. I realised i was in love with him after a casual drink after work, Icame home and wasunable to sleep, heart beating, euphoric highs, I couldn't understand what was happening to my body. I thought I was ill. It was then that I realised this physical pull was love. He was handsome, adventurous, intelligent, so much fun to be around and could throw sarcastic remarks back as quickly as I could dish them. I wanted to spend all of my time with him. Just thinking about him made my face burst into a smile. He was exciting, and I couldn’t get enough.

But after a year it ended. He said he was in love with me, but couldn't be, he spoke of how he didnt want to leave and walk away but how life had other things going on for him and this us, this now would just be too much. That it would be easier to just walk away, to walk away from the emotion that were engulfing him. The kiss was perfect and we just fitted. I thought about all the things we had done together and all the future plans that would never be.

But as quickly as I had fallen for him, I had bounced back. Three weeks of love meant our relationship was only a glitch in time. But it fit perfectly. I wish to be someone that goes whole-heartedly for what I want, disregarding the consequences. And in this situation, this is exactly what I had done. I had many warnings from friends, telling me I was setting myself up to get hurt. Which I did. But, without that risk, I never would have been able to feel that fire. Three weeks of pure happiness was worth the sadness.

Being a “prisoner of the moment” means that I lead with my wants, and not my rationalities. I go based off instinct, not thinking too far into the future. With boy, I dove in completely and tried to suppress all other thought, the scream telling me to protect myself and back out. I was hurt in the end, but life is too short to care. I can only hope I find this passion again, and that it doesn’t burn out quite so quickly.

-untilikickthebucket

where is she now?

Wants to find that girl again, the one I thought i'd left behind
the one YOU helped me find
the one who is cheerful and happy and witty and fun
the one who last year realised life had just begun
Where is she now? where has she gone? Did you take her with you?
I know she is in there somewhere, beneath the hurt and pain
I know that If I look hard enough,I can find her again
She isn't ready for the world, not if you're not willing to be arent here
Life isn't the same without you near
Surrounded in a world so dark, sitting alone in the park
dreams shattered, hope seems gone,
strenth impossible to find
She must learn again how to climb, how to be, in a world where she can be free?

I LOVE TO HATE YOU

I hate you
I hate you for showing me I can be loved;
I hate you for allowing me to be me;
I hate you because you showed me that being me is the most amazing thing you had ever seen;
I hate you that it now has been and gone
I hate you and this life that I now live, it feels empty alone and sad. My world is filled with pretence and emptiness.
I hate you that you showed me how to be the me that I had forgotten how to be.
I hate that I didnt have to think with you, or talk that I could just be and it was the most amazing place I could BE.
I hate you that you have taken this huge space in my head, soul and heart;

This time

last year
I danced, laughed and sung
It was a new day a new time
dreams had come to life
birthed and alive
no longer far away but now in sight
each day, each moment bright and alive
fresh and new
a dream once brewing had now come to life
I danced, I sung, I laughed
I was becoming new, someone new

now unknown, lost, stranded without a path
That laugh so far away, so foreign so unknown
What once was, no longer is
I stand lost and alone,
stranded, dreams shattered, broken,
every part now blown
into the sea, out in the wild, no longer here
What once was spoken now just remains
as token of what once was but no longer is

MUSIC

she stands lost and broken
alone in a world so dark
masked by your voice in a land so far
what once was close and near now gone

the beat brings me closer
the darkness engulfs, envelopes
it hangs over dawn

the beat is loud, it is clear, it is drumming in my ear
I hear such a sound and through the dark it breaks
rays of light it creates
A better day it makes, the beat alone
makes me feel like i have come home
this is where I long to be
this day is one i would enjoy to see
the music it feeds my soul
makes me feel complete and whole
another dimension it takes me now,

GOD, you're my last chance of the day,
I spend the night n my knees before yu
Put me on your salvation agenda,
take notes on the trouble I'm in,
I've had my fill of toruble;
I'm camped on the edge of hell.
I'm written off as a lost cause,
one more statistic, a hopeless case
Abandoned as already dead
one more body in a stack of corpses
And not so much a gravestone
I am in a bottomless pit
I'm battered and senseless

I call to you GOD;all day I call
I wring my hands, I plead for help
I'm standing my ground god, Shouting for help,
at my prayers every morning
Why do you make yourself scarce
For as long as I remember i've been hurting
I'm bleeding black and blue
Attacked at every side
Abandoned, feeling the only friend is darkness

Your LOVE GOD, is my song, and I'll sing it!
Your love has always been our lives foundation
I'm forever telling everyone how faithful you are,
Faith is the only thing I hold on to, the reason I breathe,
The very reason I believe for a better day
You build the cosmos and everything in it GOD
You are capable of moving through this darkness, through this mess, this unfortune


I believe GOD, I stand on FAITH, it's the only thing holding my soul together
and my feet on solid ground, it is the only solid I have left in my life GOD
I believe GOD ; that enough is enough, that I have suffered long and hard
that it is time for a shift in the universe, one where things start to turn around
and the dreams and plans you have for me turn to light
they start to come to life GOD

Courage

Wishing it was,
Accepting it isn't
Looking back, but slowing stepping forward
Wanting desperately to cling on,
but slowly letting go
wanting and needing, pressing in
but in need of pushing out and away
letting go of what was
and accepting what is

Thank You
for helping me see a better day
for allowing me to laugh like I haven't in a very long time
For showing me its possible to laugh again
for allowing me freedom to be myself
For loving the very rare and precious things about me
For making me laugh - for making me dance to the beat of love again
Thank you for showing me that being me is ok and for me being thevery thing you love about me
I need to walk, I need to learn how to talk how to be again

This was something I had waited, prayed and imagined my whole life and finally here you were standing here right before my very eyes. This was it, it was really happening I had finally fallen in love.

The feeling was so strong that I couldn't be around it anymore. It consumed my every thought and engulfed my entire body. It was good and bad at the same time. The wanting, the desire the longing, but yet the inability to have. Instead of just living with what it was, I ran, I ran so fast and pulled everything around me apart. Now here I stand, life out of hand, shattered, regreting, missing, wanting, needing you and everything that was. I was finally finding out who I was and becoming comfortable in me. Days were a routine, breakfasts, lunches, dinners, engaging all my senses and then there was you. and everything you brought.

You challenged my knowledge, my humour and kept me on my toes. My wit finally had a place it could call home. Finally a place it could be as free as it wanted to be and every day was a full and enlightening day - something I had not previously known. Finally I seen that life can be good and fun at the same time, but I couldn't deal with it, it all become too much, knowing, needing wanting, unable to have...

You told me what I did and didnt want to hear. How dare you. You spoke truth and lies - so honest - so real yet so surreal.

Path

I am enveloped with darkness.
The girl who I once knew I feel is gone.
I feel another part of me has resurfaced - one I haven't encountered before.
I feel like I need a manual, I am lost, deep dark in a forest without a map or a compass.
It's dark, I keep stumbing my foot on the ground beneath me as I can't see what's there, I have no more energy to fight what engulfs me.
I can't stand, I can't walk, my legs feel weak, and it hurts it really hurts, it aches.
I can't see ahead, I keep looking back, perhaps if I go back the way I came
I might see something familiar and it might just work, it might just be the way out of this forest.

My head hurts, my brain aches, my back is sore from constantly twisting to look back. I need to find my way out of it and some how walking ahead doesn't seem to be the answer, instead turning round and going back to where I was before this does. It can't be. But it has to be. I cant see ahead, but back I think I can find a way I can retrace my footsteps and go back there, back to that familiar lit and comfortable place. One where I was ok and everything was finally starting to come together again, but I ran, ran again and ran so long, so far and so fast in search of something more, not contet, not satisfied yet again, in search of something, ran from the pain instead of dealing with it, and now I find myself in an unfamilar place, a path I haven't walked on before, I am alone, its dark and its cold and I am lost. God help me find the way, help me see where to go. I can't even find a way out.