FAITH

Just when you think you have moved on, a new day with its new troubles and blessings, something, someone, something has to pop up and remind you of what was. A mere mention, a mere suggestion, a mere memory is all it takes and here I am shivering again, afraid once again, fearing again, thinking even though its been so long, have you forgotten? have you finally left me alone for good? Please god, don't let it come back, don't let it resurface. The mere mention and I am bawling every drop of water out of my eyes. I begin to think the memories have been erased and I am safe. I am at a new place with a new life, one that is finally mine and free of anything that doesn't belong in it, but suddenly something reminds me that even though I hve forgotten others dont. Do i delete my facebook again? Cut all ties with society? Move overseas, lock myself in my home and never tell or interact with another soul again? I hate even giving you this space,and a place is not what it deserves. I must stand on my faith and believe that GOD is bigger than my situation. I just cannot deal with it anymore. I have no more strength.

Tender Heart

I was walking through LA the other day, feeling quite blue and then i heard these lyrics - they described exactly how I was feeling at the moment.
Not a fan of the song, but the lyrics verbalised what I quite couldn't.

I had a great life going on last year, I was happy really happy but you had to come along and show me that it could be better and now - well now I don't know. I guess i have to pick up the ever so scattered pieces and find out where I was before you walked on in.

JOURNAL COME BACK

Ohh and on top of ALL of that. I have just realised I have lost my journal somewhere between LA and NYC. I am more than a tad bit annoyed right now. So much so that I need more than a xanax tonight. More like ten. No kidding. I love my life (as clearly realised when I came close to losing it tonight) but no really. I hope some kick ass script writer finds it and makes an epic movie out of my life. It would make for a great movies says I. I hope they track me down and pay me my royalties or whatever you call it. Pay me my due credit for enduring it.




No I am not on drugs or drunk or in need of attention (believe you me, I have had plenty of attention in my life span) I like to keep a low profile these days. I am just annoyed and writing helps me deal and remember and want to change. Great. Ta. Goodnight. Dishevelled. That's how I feel dishevelled. Actually whilst on the topic, Lynda AND I went out the other night, upon meeting a random stranger, within the first three seconds she asked if she could tell us what her initial thought of us was. She said Suzi, you my friend are a relative mess but hot (cool thanks), you're friend LYnda here is VERY WELL put together i.e. she has her shit together whilst you're all over the place. hit the nail on the head love. hence wanting to change. lack of punctuation. Great start Suzi.

I am going to vent now. I am replused by my pathetic blonde antics. Can I just say I strongly believe my brain operates on a switch - just like a light. It has a switch to turn it on. It is defaulted to off. It has to manually be activated and is only activates when it wants something bad enough. Like for instance, planning a trip to NYC in two days and doing it successfully and or finding Russell Brand and ending up on set with him in a matter of hours. That is it's on switch. It does what it wants when it wants and gets where it wants only when it wants. But most of the time it sits on neutral or off as you would like to call it. Like today for instance, it didn't care when or how it got home for getting home was not on my list of priorities so therefore I just jumped on a bus without THINKING it just was there or in front of me, so i did it. A bit like the heroin addict who has lost everything who just tried heroin because it was there, they didn't really think about the consequences of having that first shot, it was right in front of me, so I took it, I didn't know i'd end up homeless addicted and broke. No, we don't and that is our problem most of the time. Well mine now.

Ok brain, this is more a mental note than anything else. Today I CHOOOSE TO SWITCH YOU ON. I choose to wake up and think about what I am doing, who I am dating, where I am going and what not. I choose to charge my phone, clean my house, organise my clohtes, brush my hair and check my list.

Today was a disasterous day. After getting lost in the wrong neighbourhood, I got home, got changed, decided to go out (something I have now discovered I no longer want to do - I am hanging up my partying shoes - this post will be for another time) I choose GOD. I choose the path that leads to life, the one away from the wine and the pubs and the clubs. The one that involves being sober and dancing wherever - just not around drunken (pardon the French)klowns - I was going to use some derogatory terms but decided against it as it would be a contradiction. Choosing God means choosing to follow his law i.e. not using profanities like I was about to. See brain is already being switched on. But no really, so ok, I have this disasterous day, end up coming home, throwing on some shoes and going out to meet Lynda, after loosing my map (that I bought a mere hour ago - I mean how do you loooose a map - slightly infuriated with myself now) I get a cab, I spend 45 minutes in a cab getting to where I need to go only to get there and my phone battery dies, so I have no phone to call Lynda and she is not at our meeting point, I am more than frustrated right now, I get there, try and locate a payphone, none are working, I continue to walk the streets, its now an hour and a half since I left my house, and I finally find a payphone, thank god for having her number in my Australian phone (which mind you is not working here - network error) I call Lynda, meet her and then realise I HAVE FORGOTTEN my ID at home. So now its 130am, NO MAP, NO BATTERY, 45 MINUTES IN A TAXI, tired, exhausted, angry, irratated and any other word you can find in the dictionary that speaks NOT HAPPY JAN, I have to get my ass back in a cab and come home. It was a defninig moment in my life as I looked around and thought - do I really want to spend the rest of my life forgetting things? Yes it makes for great stories and quite an adventure but really? Really Suzi, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life, forgetting things, being disorganised? No. It was also then that I decided to tell GOD that I choose him over this pathetic lifestyle of pubs and clubs. It was then that I decided to tell him I wanted to live for him, doing whatever that may be, IT WAS then that I decided shopping at Macy's and partying really isn't what I was created for and it was also then that I asked him for the husband, kids and now dog and picked fence and the whole works. It was then and last night when I encountered a drunk Christian trying to tell me how much he loves his girlfriend and how committed to God and church he is whilst getting a bit too close for my liking or shall we say up in my grill that I realised I didn't want to be that person that has one foot in the world and the other in GOD. It was then that I also realised that I didn't want to live life being a contradiction to GOD and myself. I mean I am not even doing anything bad, but for me personally, if I am partying until 3am every Saturday night BE it without alchohol if you like, I am hardly going to be up and ready for Church in the morning am I now. No.

It is now that I ask GOD to help me do the things I need to do, for I know that being a part of this world and not being in it is not going to be easy. I know I have an extreme personality and I have to balance GOD, world, people and yet still live but not like the world. I know it's not going to be easy but I know I need to balance myself and I know I need to start by going to church tomorrow and taking ech day as it comes.

Ok I am going to try and find my map - I feel like I might need it soon and organise myself for tomorrow I am going to the INternational Centre of Photography.

Night y'all.
xxxxS

LOST IN NYC

Ok so I had quite a terryfying experience today (again excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar) I feel like my brain has deteriorated since arriving in NYC. I feel like I have turned into the epitome of blonde. No really. So today, I end up in Century 21 - again buying items I don't but do need i.e. staples. Staples seems to be the excuse for swiping my credit card these days. It's 9pm and I leave Century 21 I feel like it would be good to get on ANY bus that is heading uptown, so I do - M22 comes by and I just jump on - thinking I don't want to catch the Subway with all these shopping bags so I may as well get on a bus (a CAB would have been the smarter - faster and wiser option) but no I think with a bus I get to see more, experience life like a NEWYORKER. So I just jump on this bus that reads East Side because I figure well it will take me to the East and the East is a lot closer to home than The Financial District is. Well umm not quite. The bus takes a strange route, ends up on a highway, then under and over a bridge and suddenly I find myself looking around - looking out the window and suddenly there are less and less people on these streets - the shopfronts have graffiti and I am suddenly in what looks like a residential neighbourhood and not just any residential neighbourhood, there are a lot of apartments around, a lot, and they look a little rundown, suddenly this neighbourhood is starting to remind me of places back home, places, like THE BLOCK in Redfern, place a blonde girl with huge Chloe glasses in a mini dress don't wanna be at 9pm at night. There's a map of NYC carefully placed on the side with a nice blue line going across the middle of it, I am guessing that is the bus line I am on. Ok great, I begin to trace the line with my finger to try and get some understanding of where I am, look out window, what street is this? Oh nice, we are around Chinatown- Chinatwon - shit! I've been here during the day and left quite shaken. I stood and watched two African American women physically fight over counterfeit Gucci bags whilst the children yelled for police and tourists recorded what would be future youtube videos. I.E. no one helped.

Ok great...now Not only am i in an unknown residential area in NYC - I am blonde and have no idea where I am, nor is there a person in sight to help me if anything happens, nor are there any cars and or people. SHIT!! I am screwed I think. Ohh god, dear god, don't let this NICE bus driver let me get off here, no I will tell him " Look at me sir, you can't you just can't let me get off in this neighbourhood, you can't, last stop is approaching, he announces that I WILL BE getting off shorly"

So I get up walk towards him and say - I can't get off here sir, I think I took the wrong bus, this isn't where I meant to go. I am from Australia and just got here, I am not meant to be here.
He responds with "sorry sorry love sorry"
WHATTTTT!! I really cant - aren't you going anywhere else, take me with you, just don't let me get off here' I look around at where I feel like I am going to soon be spending my last day alive, its dark and there are only apartment blocks, rundown old apartmnet blocks, the ones you see in the movies, in those movies where the movie commences with some murder and or shooting, where there aren't any tourists, and suddenly I am here, standing here, where I have seen many movies made and always thought I'd never be...ok deep breath, ok, breath girl breath you're gonnna be ok. Just fine, I DONT FEEL FINE. My heart starts racing and for someone who has been places she didn't need to be and or see, I am scared. Now for me to be scared, it must be scary. I have walked through Redfern late at night and I am pretty sweet with that, but this ain't Redfern. ok now this is something else. Big bucks are made making movies based around these neighbourhoods and what takes place NOT only after dark but in the hours of daylight(no offence to anyone living here - you know I aint like that but seriously - you know me, and me in this place at this time you know that does not work. Right? Tell me I am not hallucinating. Tell me the nice starbucks man didn't lace my coffee with something.

I can't believe I am here, here now, now it's 9.30pm at night sitting here- about to get off and part with safety with my many shopping bags and Chloe glasses - shit Chloe glasses, takes them off, places them in bag (like that's gonna save me - I stand out like Paris would stand out here in the middle of the night). The man next to me sees the concerned look on my face and starts ranting about how he WILL SAVE ME AND KEEP ME SAFE. Who is he exactly? Jesus - the man next to me - the man on the street - the man in your head - who is HE exactly? Well t-h-e-b-u-s-d-r-i-v-e-r..that's excatly how I heard it too don't worry. Now h'es ranting, he's really ranting, he sounds drunk and delussional and I can't figure out whether he is talking to me or himself. I choose to ignore him because my brain is trying to think, think real fast about how on earth I plan on getting OUT OF HERE ALIVE. I look around on the bus and I and these TWO MEN are the only people left on the bus. Now really think of me, on a bus, with two men in the wrong neighbourhood and the bus is about to stop and I have to get off. oHH DUDE, my heart is beating, I am scared, I am trying to think ...... what do I do.. What do I do....get a cab and get the f.. out of here, but there aint no cabs, because cabs proably don't drive in this area, there ain't no - nothing. Ohh I see people ok its a group of people - actually there's groups of people in each of the blocks, sitting out the front of their blocks, gathered around each other - ahh I see bottles of something and cards in their hands - and they're all men. Ohh shit. I am in trouble. DING DONG....the bells ring, the driver looks at me remorsefully and says - YOU GET OFF NOW. but nooo..wait I can't - I can't just get off - I don't know where I am, please nice man look at me, you cant leave me here I will be diced alive, ive seen movies made about this sort of thing. ommmgosh, i am about to be diced alive, this is really happening, i have done some crazy shit in my life even dated some of it but this...no really this...climbing rooftops in heels in the Upper East Side is one thing, walking the streets with a distressed poet in the middle of the night whom I have befriend only ten minutes ago is another thing, yeah scary but fun, but this...no this is NOT SANE.

He says - you get off and wait at this stop - another bus might come soon and take you out. HOney - I think these men will take me out before any bus does - you hear what I am saying. No. He insists I get off. But you - you just can't make me get off. I am in NYC - in a residential neighbourhood, one that doesn't look very friendly and being anywhere without a person without a brown paper bag in their hand in sight at 930pm is scarey, but being in a neighbourhood with what looks like the places i have and only thought i'd see in the movies. Dude. you can't. I am practically begging now, whilst trying to think of what to do and how to save myself and end up alive. This is not how I had imagined it. People warned me about wandering off alone, only last night Lynda told me that there was no way in NYC that I could wander off in the wrong neighbourhood, if you start to see the streets empty out, well then you just turn back its simple. She forgot to warn me about getting on buses. Especially on ones that you don't really know where they are headed. Ohh shit. What to do what to do. Ohh good, I see a highway ahead, I will just walk towards it and hopefully a cab or someone, something safe will pick me up. Oh gosh, i could literally be murdered right now and no one would hear or see a thing.

Bus driver - changes to sign "OUT OF SERVICE" You get off. NOW!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh gooooshhh! This is not happening, this is really not happening. Ok walk towards the highway, yep the highway, think people, think busyness and pray to god the right not wrong person sees you. Oh PRAYING like I haven't prayed since my stalker turned up at work unexpectantly threatening to take me away with him. Praying so hard right now. JESUS PLEASE!!! JESUS I don't see any way of getting out of here alive. PLEASE SAVE ME!

I start walking towards the highway, heart palapatations, thinking of what belongings I have with me, practically everything including my camera and all my memories - ohh gosh. A man that was on the bus with me - not the rambler - the only other man on the bus - approaches me as he can probably hear and see that I know I am in the wrong place and personally I think he does too. He's like. Where do you need to go? I don't know sir, I don't know. I thought this was going East, where am I? He is really lovely. I see a cab. Oh Jesus - you heard again and have bailed me out again...He looks at me and says "Get that cab, get that cab y'all and get on home- yo shouldn't be out here at night yo hear what i'm saying now tell that cab to take you to 42East Street south bound, that should get you out of here and safe enough".

Ok no exaggeration, if he a local is telling me to get out, clearly I am not where I am suppost to be. Jump in cab and give him the instructions the nice man gave me. He locks the doors. OHHHHGOOOOD! What is going to happen to me. Is this european sounding taxi driver going to drive me into the middle of nowhere? No one will know, rummaging through bag, phone ready to call 911, but what will I tell them, I don't evne know where I am. I see that Bridge again, I think it's the Brooklyn Bridge but then again it could be the Williamsberg or the Washington Bridge - Ohh god, I am even more scared now, pretend to call your friend, I pick up the phone and say I am in a cab headed east now. Ok dude, I know where I am - I am not a tourist - i am a local so don't try taking the wrong turn, for all I know he could already be (puts on american accent - should have been an actress - I do this I know where I am going accent to well). Suddenly he notes something down, ok he's not going to kill me if he's recording the trip. I start to relax. I look out the window and feel like I am in an unknown industrial area. HOW THE HECK DID I END UP HERE. Not a person in sight. Now if you know NYC you know its hard to end up out of town without a person in sight, and if you do. You are in trouble.

Ok change of plans I tell him and give him my real address - Excuse me sir, my frined just texted me, We need to go to XXX ST. Great. Good he says. and laughs. Laughs...ohh god. I don't watch scary movies, but this is starting to feel a lot like what a script for one would read - I suddenly notice he looks a little frightening or am I just unsettled now and everything is frightening to me. I am frightened. My glasses, where did I put my glasses.

Ok we are starting to see some buildings, I start looking up at the street signs as I am frantically rammaging for my glasses - why suddenly they are of importance to me is beyond any thoughts right now. I find my glasses - phew I didn't drop them in the neighbourhood. Ok Ok I suddenly see my street - I am home safe and sound and dont ever want to leave my house again. Tourists and the amount of poeple in this city have annoyed me since the minute I got here, now, well now I have never been happier to see so many people. No really. Ahh I am safe, but shocked, but slightly disturbed and IF THERE was ever a time I could happily slap myself it would be now.