Oh Heart....

I once read the only way to get over a romance is to pour it out, I believe I have just done that and by doing that have dedicated a HUGE portion of my blog to this thing called LOVE.....such a beautiful emotion, i think more should be dedicated to it....but now now I am excited for the journey ahead. I am excited to be single, .....Not that I was not before, but somehow emotionally I have been attached to something not worth attaching myself to, I now let go of that and look forward to spending time with myself and hanging out with me. All grown up and all now that I have finally lent out my little heart and had it shattered. I somehow feel like I have grown from this experience and wonder why I even held back lending my heart all these years.

Wish I had done it earlier, but that's ok, because now that I have experienced this little test run, baby I am more than ready for the real thing.

Letters of Love....

Now i sit here alone and your not here, those words you spoke,the laughs you gave; the emotional space dedicated to you. I went out often in the hope that I would see you and that something might ignite. That somehow you would finally see what I see, that you could finally feel as drawn to me as I did you. I was fooling myself, i was convincing myself, sitting here hoping that you would walk through the door and tell me you were madly in love with me, that you couldnt live without me, that i was like no one you had ever met before.

I CAN write pages and pages about this "thing" that took, place .. or did it. i wont deny what i felt and what you made me feel. Even if it wasnt reciprocated. There was certinaly something special about you and you certainly devoted a huge amount of time to me. You listened to my stories, all of them, you even laughed and made me feel somewhat special, unique even. you laughed at me and me at you. We joked and made fun of each other. We laughed and I cant remeber the last time I carelessly laughed like that. Finally i was sleeping peacefully at night. I wasnt waking up nor worrying about anything. Life had begun, Love has taken place, this is what the buzz was about, this is what people were taking about and oh how physically real it felt.

Life seemed pretty sweet for the first time in a long time. I didnt mind waking up ..i couldn't wait to drink my coffee and continue on my eurphoric high. why did you come along and what purpose did you have? now here i am sitting in this mess, still holding on, still hoping, although that hope gets smaller and smaller each and everyday. I know your and me will never be, and that is o.k. i guess i just want to know..did you feel anything? was it mutual or was it just me? why did you unlock what no one else could, and will i feel like this about another man ever? My heart aches when i hear your name, i almost felt like your name was imprinted on it. Oh how it wouldve made for the perfect fairytale, but perhaps in anther time, another place, another scene. Not thisone, not now.

HIGHS

This feeling is nothing like I had imagined it to be. I always imagined it to be great, but this, this, is ....on another level...

Why I thought euphoric highs were only caused by pink little pills or copious amounts of alcohol why even other chemicals....... I did not think it possible to feel something within your heart when speaking or communicating, engaging with another human being on an emotional level.

For I thought my heart was unbreakable, I always thought i was incapable of falling in love, i dreamt about it, watched movies made about, seen couples take their vows, heck even seen men cause physical violence over it, yet I had not imagined why anyone would want to fight over love, for weren't there many fish out in the sea? what was it about this thing called "love" that caused us to act a way, we never normally would, do to and say things we never normally would, what is defined as normal anyway? mediocre everyday feelings...highs and lows, stability......

It wasn't until i had fallen and that my every bone/emotion in my body felt like it had overdosed on some sort of happy pill that i realised I had fallen in love. so this is what love felt like, when you don't want to sleep, because being awake is so amazing, when you hear a song and it sends a huge shiver down your spine, along with a flutter in your heart, when you light up more than any amount of alcohol can light you up..wow the power of love huh..now I know why songs are made about it, its quite a strong emotion and as I've of late discovered no amount of sedatives can sedate. No amount of coffee or alchohol can numb. If anything it only makes it STRONGER. Wow. the power of this little thing called LOVE, as i've discoveed, not so little after all.

I admit, admitting to myself after years of hearing about it, i had finally fallen, right before my very eyes, i had fallen. How I couldn't believe it that even someone like me could fall. Suddenly i cared for nothing else, but a whisper, a word, a smile a call from this particular person. For no human being i had encountered could ever pick me up, with just a few words. It was like with every word you were injecting amphetamines into my body.

Feeling

It feels like a lifetime ago now when you first walked into my life, part of me wants those days back, those days when nothing mattered but you, nothing but me, when days were bright and long and nights were enchanting. When I went to bed and slept peacefully for I knew the dawn would come and you would be there. You walked into my life holding that golden key, that one that I had spent years searching for and eventually gave up, thinking that my heart would simply remain as it was.......... unlocked/bound/blocked.

I didn't know what love was, forever i had watched many movies and wondered what it would feel like to be that girl in the movie, to be the one in love. Was love an emotion? Did you feel it? Was it something that you felt in your stomach, your brain, your chest? I didn't understand it, that was until.....you came along. Your laugh, your smile, your eyes, the way they spoke a thousand words, was it real? were you even real? I look back now and think for it was just a dream for something like this at arms length seems to surreal? really was it real? are you even real?

You came equipped with that key, you unlocked that part to me that i had managed oh so successfully to keep hidden for years, that part of me that I wasn't about to reveal to anyone, somehow you came along and opened that door that held my heart in one...i STARTED to feel again, to love people, to love myself, to believe in myself.I felt alive, like anything was possible, like finally even i was having my moment, my chance at life. For i did not plan nor imagine this moment, for it just happened right before my eyes, before i could do anything to stop it, as quickly as you walked in, you walked out and here i stand ..looking around, trying to find the pieces, my heart is no longer locked away, instead its scattered all over the place, i am trying desperately to find the pieces so i can put it back together again, moments of searching and collecting pieces,only for you to say hello and i drop them again, they fall out of my hands and under my feet, how did i drop them, it wasn't meant to happen, again the collection starts, vicious cycle...i need to collect them and hold them close...i need to not let them drop each time you walk through the door.

My interests have slowly deterred, i don't want to go out, i want to stay under the covers all day long, but that too hurts, drinking coffee is no longer fun, food doesn't taste the same, my nights drag on and don't seem to end, although i must be brave, that too seems like too much, sometimes i wonder would it have been better to not have seen, that to have felt and dropped and broken?