I spent the last month crying over a boy I barely knew. Well actually thats a lie, I knew him quite well but obviously not well enough. ANyhow, day after day, I dreamt about how perfect he was and how much he made me laugh. Moments with him seemed like I was in a different world, a different being and even living a different life. I for the first time understood when gilrs would say "ohh gushhhhh he makes me so happy" For years I never understood that, because I truly believed NO ONE can make you happy but yourself. But suddenly something as little as a hellow from this individual would put more than a smile on my face. It was like a euphoric drug. Spending time with this individual was like nothing else, i had not planned nor imagined this, it was pure bliss. I couldnt wait until the next text message or the next email would come through, or the next time I would see him, thoughts of him would help me get out of bed on a cold winters morning if I knew an enciounter with him was on the agenda, everything about him would immediatley brighen my mood and my ENTIRE day. He and life with him in it was just perfect. I didnt need sleep, suddenly i felt like a manic, I couldnt understand the feeling, but I knew this human was responsible for it... This was LOVE it had to be. For we made the perfect couple, we just fitted, my days suddenly seemed so much more eventful and exciting. I looked forward to getting out of bed...

That was until .... well until it all came crashing down or more so reality hit me like a ton of bricks would hit a human being and I realised I had concocted this fantasy in my own head. The thing with us women is, we love the idea of being in love. We find someone, they tick all the boxes (or so the superficial ones), we get along with them like a house on fire and suddenly start planning our future together. We totally bypass the fact that he just said he hates animals (oh thats fine, I always wanted a dog) but spending time with you is more important so no dog, fine I can deal with that. Ohh I always wanted to live in the city, but no he wants to raise a family in the country and suddenly so do I. CLICK! There goes my dream of the beautiful terrace home in the city I had envisioned. We tell ourselves we are sacrificing for the sake of love, because its very RARE for someone as great as this to come along. They never come along and finally after all these years someone comes along who can put a smile on my face and keep it there all day, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. Even sacrifice MY DREAMS. Anyhow, so a month ago I found out this individual has moved on with someone else, oh how it broke my heart and how I felt my life would not be a blissful or entertaining ever again. For he was the one. The only one that understood me, the only one that could make me happy, life was so much better with him in it......WAS IT really? Or was I just adjusting some minor switches to fall sync with his understanding of the world? Was I really not compromising my beliefs, goals and values by seeing my future with this man? Could I really fulfill the calling of god on my life if I was with him? Ohh of course I could, so I told myself. The truth is........Love does conquer all, I mean the greatest commandment and the second greatest are about LOVE.....but sometimes it has to be more than just an emotion. It has to go beyond that and we really need to take a step back and think about this LOGICALLY...or even ask god for guidance. Becasue sometimes the power of the emotion of love is so strong, we are willing to die, lie and kill for it.

It was very hard to let it go, even harder to acknowledge that I might have even bent the truth in my own mind and convinced myself he was perfect. But the truth is ....everytime I went to do something that I knew was not in line with this particular individuals thinking or view of life, I would think about his thoughts on it? What would he think about me doing this? How would I be judged by him? Would I measure up to his expectations? Am i being who he would want me to be?

Is this how love really works? That when you are in love you fear being judged by the one that is suppost to love and accpet you just the way you are. Admittedly I was myself (behaviorual wise) around him, but then when it came to some of my social circles, and odd habbits as completely innocent as they were, I didnt feel completely safe, I kept wondering oh and how would he feel about this, I know he wouldnt like it? Now is that really love? Really?? That we must think before we do for fear that we will be judged? Or disapproved of? Even though what we are doing or being is completely innocent. Oh what would he think of my family? (talk them up, cover their flaws, for we are perfect, just the way you want them to be dear)......

As much as every other area of my life would suit him/us or our relationship just fine, there was a part of me that held back on certain things......but i was too blinded by the euphoric high that I turned a blind eye to this. I could be who he wanted because he made me laugh, he understood me, he just didnt understand the god chapter, and really couldnt engage in deep conversation about it, Oh that's fine I told myself, for there are christians for that area of my life. We seem to cover everything when we think we are in love dont we.....We seem to have an answer for every flaw in this relationship and wear our love coloured glasses. We see him through a different light. Thank the lord he moved on, beause if he had not, perhaps I would have conformed and compromised. Perhaps I would have changed those unique things and lost a part of me that is so precious, perhaps I would have erased my past, my little quirks, well I wouldve given up on them of course, for now I had to act a certain way for this man was of a certain socail standing, I would have tried to be someone else in order to constantly keep this individual entertained, amused, in line with his way of life.....this is not who I am...but I love him and ITS OK...SO i continued to LIE to myself. I decided to to to church and let it go last night, leave it, drop it...and just move on from it! Stop idealising the what-would-have!!

So in conclusion I went home last night and felt a sense of relief. I looked around my shoebox arpartment and was rather pleased of it. I was rather pleased with my blutacked photos on my wall THAT MADE me up my life, and the musty curtain that was hanging up. I was pleased that I was myself and no one else. I felt a LOVE for myself like never before. I looked in the mirror and said "looks like its just you and I for now Kid" and you know what I said...my gosh, Suzi your such a unique and interesting character and I truly love you, You my dear bring so much joy to my life and you dont have to worry at any point what anyone is thinking of you, because you love and accept yourself just the way you are. And oh gosh, the relief of not having to be perfect and/or worry about another human beings thoughts, the love that rushed through me, the confidence that I WAS going to be just fine and that life was worth living and that I DID NOT need anyone to make me happy but that I indeed was MY OWN BESTFRIEND. My bestfried would come to coffee with me at the drop of a hat, she loves the same food as I do, will sit in Alice and Gertrude with me all day whilst I annoyingly pick up and put down every book on the shelf, she accompanies me wherever I want to go, she buys me my favourite gifts, she even comes op-shopping with me and patiently waits for me, she laughs at me when I fall over or whenever i say a stupid thing that makes no sense, She lets me pick the movie to watch that night and the event we shall go to that evening, even agrees to whom we have dinner with, everything is my choice and she is always there....no such compromise is made...she is me and I am her..."The best relationship you can have is one with YOURSELF"

I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want to be, create my future without the pressure or input of another human being, JUST GOD AND I. and ohh how great that felt. To be in control again. To not be crying and weeping about how happy SOMEONE ELSE made me, but rather congratulate myself on the great job I was doing with being my own entertainment. I could spend all day Sunday in bed reading a book if I wanted to. I could go overseas, sit in the park all night, meet new people, go out on dates, get to know the randoms of the world, all without limitation. Ohh life is good. But I must add, none of this would have been possible without the power of god. Knowing there is something beyond me, that is my backbone, that spiritual help is such a blessing. We are nothing without christ. I find it hard to believe in myself if I dont believe in him first. Through him I know I am relying on something greater than I and ALL things are NOW possible.AMEN!

The Fairytale....as it is

We sat side by side in class, the day I met you and was placed in your lodge group, i decided that I would make an effort to be nice., You see my past with men has not always been one of love and comfort, to be completely honest, i couldnt stand the male species. Coming out of a broken relationship, I had decided the pain after it, was not worth the euphoria I endured throughout the short time in romantc bliss and was not going to allow another man in close enough to be able to cause me that kind of pain again. So I simply decided to not go past hello with the male species. The wall was tall, and nothing could break it down...that was nothing except god.....

Ohhh if only I had known I would fall so fast, if only i could see this, i am not so sure I wouldve stepped into it. It started by simply discussing assignments, you adding in a joke here and there, and one that I totally understood. It was like suddenly someone who seen the world through the same lens as me. Who understood the world a lot like me, who had walked a similar path to me, and yet who could make me laugh at the drop of a coin. Oh how, I didnt realise, that day after day I would go to school and suddenly look forward to it. Suddenly I didnt dread group assignments, but rather looked forward to them, I looked forward to us sitting there whilst we pretended to work on our assignment and joked about how annoying the teacher was. ignring the rest of the group, it was like we were in our own little world and didnt care what they saw or thought about us laughing all day. You told stories that had me in bowled over in laughter, and use any excuse to talk to you, at the time it sure didnt occur to me, the reasoning behind it. The way you would laugh at the silly things I said, the way you would walk over and really care about what it was that I had just mumbled and walked away, you wanted to know what i had said, it mattered, you wanted to know what I was thinking and why. You remembered things I had said in the past, remembered what my plans were that day, took notice of things others had not.

Our graduation, we went out, we had some wine, we laughed we talked, we completely forgot there were other people in the room, the night was just perfect. We discussed life, our views, our beliefs and made complete fun of ourselves. I couldn't remember the last time I had so much fun and sat alone with a male for such a long time. It was euphoric...again that euphoria. The night ended perfectly and we both went home, nothing romantically or physcially taking place. I woke up the next day, feeling like i had taken some sort of drugs, how was it that I felt so high? What was this feeling? It was no longer a fairytale being concocted in my head, but a physical response my body was having to whatever it was that was emotinally going on. I googled.....feeling of love and got, euphoric state, person respondsa little lik they are on amphetimines.....there was my answer...i had fallen in love. in fairytle love, something that didnt happen with a checklist, something that didnt happen with a dinner date and me assessing every quality this person did or did not possess, but by me being me without expectations of acception, WITHOUT limitation and pretense. Me accepting him without thinking about his flaws nor what kind of husband he would make, because quite honestly, that never crossed my mind, to me he was just a friend and a human being and I was getting to know him as an individual...and at the same time, someone come along, who liked that me for me...and him being him, somehow these two personalities clicked due to their natural state........Oh how divine it was...that I had finally fallen in love and suddenly the world looked differently and i looked forward to getting out of bed even more each day, knowing a text from you or a word from you would definitely have me laughing on my way to school....I expected it, but someone beat me to it and now you love and belong to them.....and I wait..being myself hoping mr right will come along and you were just a prerequisite.

was the pain worth the fall? Yes, becauase I learnt an important lesson. Always be yourself, and have no expectations of other people, that way when you find that you two have the most amazing, utter fun together, the fact that he only has four fingers instead of five doesnt matter. Becauswe you love him for how he makes you feel, not for how many gucci bags he can buy you. When you sittng at home with all your handbags and feel empty inside because the one you love is a supplier of money not love, life isnt what it should be....until next time. A thought.Be yourself, and be open to everyone.

TO LOVE ONESELF

"The Gestalt theory of change posits that the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same...we change when we become aware of what and who we are ... it's important to be as fully as possible in our current position, rather than striving to become what we 'should be'."

I subscribe to the theory that no one can BE you as well as you. i think we are all created so uniquely and intricately but are too busy looking at the flaws that we miss the precious things about ourselves, those that have been deposited in us on the day we were created, those things that we have, that others dont...

No matter how annoying, stupid, different, or strange we may think or feel that we are, we have something to offer the world and should not at any cost, strip ourselves of the privledge to do so. What you might find awkward and weird about yourself, another may totally appreciate and love, it just be the fresh breeze they needed to come into their life. If you were just like them, you would go un-noticed, no one likes same, it becomes stale. In a world where conformity and status is highly regarded, stand out and be yourself, bring something new and innovative to the table and soon you will see that others too will jump onto the bandwagon. We will begin to experience colour and light and freedom like never before. The freedom of not having to constantly strive or act, but to freely dance in the rain, without a second thought, to live in that moment and totally enjoy it, because really as a friend said to me the other day, this isn't a rehearsal, life is the real thing...you dont get a second chance, do you really want to wake up at 80 and think oh my gosh, I really want to go out and dance in the rain...like I wish I had when I was 18 but was too afraid of what others would have thought of me, now my bones are frail and and my legs wont hold me up...live people...live....be yourself.....if its not accepted by others, that's fine, like Kurt Cobain once said...its better to be hated for who I am than LOVED for who I AM NOT! There is so much truth and power in that.

Loved or Hated as long as we have the love of god and ourselves, we cant go wrong. There's freedom in walking down the street and just being...let the world watch, even laugh...because on the inside you know that you are free, whilst theyre left rehearsing every word, following every trend, trying and striving and constantly reaching for something completely unattainable, no porsche, nor house on the hills overlooking the ocean not even that GORGEOUS PRADA bag I so want....is able to give you the freedom like god can....and you need to take hold of that and begin to walk in it.... right here, right now ......the freedom of embracing and loving yourself...before anyone else can....How do you expect others to believe and love you, if you dont love yourself? Its hard to sell a product that you dont believe in...start today, start believing in yourself. God didnt make a mistake when he made you, he gave you those qualities as bizarre and strange as you may feel or think they are for a reason.....to give back to the world...to add colour and life to a world that is lacking, to open the eyes of the blind...xx
Much Love S.

College....

Oh how some days I really miss college, chapel and our ener-chai's. I really miss when that clock would hit 10.00am and we would run out for a break. I really miss walking into the presence of god in chapel, running slightly late and trying really hard not to trip on those stairs as I walked down whilst everyone else was immersed in worship. I REALLY miss those ridiculously high boots would wear to school because they kept my legs warm throughout winter, I really miss those sandwiches, after running late and skipping breakfast, waiting patiently for the clock to strike 11.00am and I run out and get a sandwick, toasted, chicken tandoori with an ener-chai to wash it down, I really miss my straws, I realy miss lugging around that coffee all day with that stupid straw in it, i even miss spillin it all over me and my paperwork. What i miss the most is the friendships, the laughs, the jokes and all the coffee we shared, the inspiration you imparted, the future we discussed, our husbands, that hope, god, his presence and our prayers. Ohhh college what an amazing time. And I wish I could say and the boys we perved on but.....we didnt! There were no darn boys to perve on...actually maybe that was the problem, they were all boys and no men!! Hhashahahaha! Oh wait...there were a few...Just a couple.

Driving home from Corrinas house, all the way from Penrith on a few hours sleep, exhausted, and drained with 17 assignments to go, and due in in approximately 2 days. Sitting in the library and completing them all. Rushing to the coffee line straight after class to collect our coffee before we walk into class. Writing notes in class, drawing away whilst pretending to listen, when really we were counting down the minutes till 10.00am and looking at each other if the teacher went past 10.00am thinking..."doesnt she know we get a break now?" "its past 10am??" what's she doing??? We need a break dude. Jumping up and down to air guitar

The mornings would start with car pulls with Tony, poor Tony waiting in the carpark on many occasions as we ran late, Kings Cross in the early mornings with my juices, coffee stops, food stops and work stopoffs. Ohhhh how much fun. Living in the norhtern beaches, waking up to peanut butter toast and a view over south curl curl beach..ohh what a view. The early mornings of sheer peace in that house, ohh how peaceful. Drained yet still trying to get to class, but really wanting to skip and sleep in all day long, to enjoy the beach adn simply do nothing. Going home after a long day of class, shaking from the lack of food, but napping away in the dark room, curtains drawn, drifting off to a peaceful sleep, waking up to work on assessments. Oh the days of college.

how sweet, filled with growth and friends. Support and love we shared, we grew, we laughed, we cried, we made memories. Things were shed, others broken, lives changed, never to be the same again. College was a time of growth, of love discovered, of hearts opened, broken, and restored. God was there, he moved, he shifted and softened even the hardest of hearts. His presence felt, love shared, hopes revived, dreams alive, he was there. He opened, shifted and sealed the works. People we revived and the past left behind. Hurts healed. Thank you god for that time. 8 months which felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of hurt, pain, rejection and disappointment, healed and restored within that time. Moved and moved beyond expectation, Hearts healed. Joy restored. We danced and laughed again.

Confidence regained the way he intended it to be when he formed you in your mothers womb, before the hurls of fire from this world that had left you scarred. With one touch of his hand, he wiped away the pain and the scar, fresh new heartbeats and skin, insides coming alive again. Oh how you reign. Work that could not have been completed without you LORD OH LORD. Amazing god who deserves all the praise. AMEN!